Donald Trump Courts Florida’s 670,000,000 Scientology Voters


Speaking from the David Miscavige International Airport in Clearwater,
Donald Trump today urged Florida’s 670,000,000 Scientologists to support his presidential bid.

Trump made vague promises of making America great again. However, Trump stopped short of calling for Scientology auditing and Scientology study tech to be required in all American schools, businesses, and government agencies.

Trump additionally failed to even once praise Fleet Admiral David Miscavige as being greater than Jesus and Buddha rolled into one. Indeed, Trump never acknowledged that Mr. Miscavige was the most wise and compassionate of all world leaders.

Florida’s 670,000,000 Scientologists were also deeply offended by Trump’s failure to support their call to legalize Scientology ecclesiastical beatings. “Scientologists should be free to beat to death anyone who acts to suppress Scientology, criticizes Scientology, or otherwise tries to stop the delivery of Scientology organizations,” declared Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“For this reason,” Delusion stated, “Scientologists are endorsing fellow Scientologist Louis Farrakhan for President.”

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