Cease and Desist Letter to the Underground Bunker

Date 3 Feb 2016
From: Bart Dixslurper, Esq
To: The Underground Bunker
Re: Cease and Desist

My client, the Religious Technology Center (RTC), finds the comments on the Underground Bunker to be harsh, exceedingly speculative, unfair, unfounded, enturbulative, dangerous, hostile, and harmful to my client Fleet Admiral David Miscavige, Lord High Ruler of the Espinol Star System and all churches, missions, and social betterment groups in the Scientology ecclesiastical hierarchy, except for Narconon which he has never heard of and with whom he has only a very distant corporate licensing relationship that was grandfathered in back in 1982 because the Founder hobbyhorsed on Narconon.

As Bunkerites you should be ashamed, but that’s not all. Your comments are not Free Speech in any meaningful way. Free Speech ends and religious persecution begins when Scientology is attacked. Essentially, Scientology may attack, impugn, malign, slander, and libel others in its own defense but you may not respond because you don’t know what it’s like to be a Scientologist, have never done a course, don’t know what Scientology is, and thus you are all stupid, ill-informed, generality-infested SP’s who should all be immediately hanged in the town square at noonday because you have no shame and attack Mankind’s only hope of salvation.

And make no mistake about it: This would be a grand hanging with balloons; a barbecue; clowns; games of chance; a three-legged race; festive ethnic foods; and the 127 piece Golden Era band accompanying the musical stylings of American Idol finalist Stacy Francis and international rap star Chill EB. Jim Mathers would also be there taking selfies.

But that’s not all. Freedom of Speech is not the freedom to attack the Scientology religion or its leader David Miscavige. If any of you Bunkerites realized that David Miscavige is a leading figure of our age whose heroic contributions have saved billions from the scourge of drugs, illiteracy, and crime you would be ashamed for joking & degrading about him.

But that’s not all. You should also be ashamed of mocking the Ideal Orgs, these oases of sanity in a world gone mad. Your disgraceful acts, and those of your co-conspirators prove, however, that you are not capable of being ashamed.

Let me make it clear and present your options in simple terms. If you do not immediately cease and desist in your efforts to Joke & Degrade about Scientology and my client Fleet Admiral David Miscavige with your idiotic and juvenile antics, we shall proceed with swift and sure legal action preventing your egregious misconduct and seeking the sum of ONE HUNDRED TRILLION TRILLION dollars in compensatory and punitive damages for the humiliation and intentional infliction of emotional distress your tortious acts have caused and will cause Fleet Admiral David Miscavige and all of Scientology.

Please confirm no later than 2 PM PST on February 15, 2016 that you will cease and desist from your lawless

All rights are reserved.


Bart Dixslurper, Esq.

10 replies »

  1. It won’t be a grand hanging without The Jive Aces, shame, but still an enticing offer, the bbq, clowns (sea org members) ethnic food (rice and beans)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “…you don’t know what it’s like to be a Scientologist, have never done a course, don’t know what Scientology is, and thus you are all stupid, ill-informed, generality-infested SP’s…”

    The best kind of satire — razor sharp, and cuts both ways. Love it, OTVIIIisGrrr8!

    Liked by 1 person

    • CV, COB literally cries himself to sleep some nights on his heart-shaped bed. No one knows what it’s like to be the world’s #1 global ecclesiastical leader upon whom the fate of universes hang in the balance. And yet what reward does he receive from within RTC except a bunch of CICS crims? And what of his repute outside the Church? SP’s!

      That is why we say, “Hang ’em all and let Xenu sort them out!”

      Liked by 1 person

      • D’aww. Poor David. He needs to stop hiding out in his bedroom and get back into life. I would tell him that, but he is such a brat, he won’t take my calls right now. I told him he needed to lay off the tanning because he is starting to look like an old leather boot. He put on his rhinestone-encrusted gold headphones, cranked up the Starland Vocal Band, and ignored me until I left.

        He really needs to get out more…


      • CV, we’ve been over this before. Just because COB loves music from Patti Labelle, Cher, Barry Manilow, and the Starland Vocal Band doesn’t mean that he’s just another Waspy closeted gay man. It just means he’s sensitive. COB just heard BFF Tom Cruise was in sad effect. COB cares so very, very, very deeply that he spent a small fortune to charter a jet to deliver to Tom a vinyl 45 of one of Tom’s favorite soft rock songs over to his BFF Tom Cruise:


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