Round One: Bart Dixslurper, Esq. Legal Correspondence with Science Monkeying-Nutford (the Third)

(From the 2/2/2106 comments section at the Underground Bunker)


CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNICATION

Date: 2 Feb 2016
To: The Underground Bunker & All Bunkerites
From: Bart Dixslurper, Esq.
Re: Criminal J&D

Dear Underground Bunker,

We have been retained as counsel by the Religious Technology Center (RTC), the holder of Scientology trademarks and copyrights.

It has come to RTC’s attention that you, the Underground Bunker, are co-conspirators in a plot to joke & degrade about the Church of Scientology and its ecclesiastical leader Fleet Admiral David Miscavige.

We have learned that you are doing this for money and are all being paid by Big Pharma. Your disgraceful acts, and those of your co-conspirators prove, however, that you are not capable of being ashamed.

Let me make it clear and present your options in simple terms. If you do not immediately cease and desist in your efforts to Joke & Degrade about Scientology and my client Fleet Admiral David Miscavige with your idiotic and juvenile antics, we shall proceed with swift and sure legal action preventing your egregious misconduct and seeking compensatory and punitive damages for the humiliation and intentional infliction of emotional distress your tortious acts have caused and will cause Fleet Admiral David Miscavige and all of Scientology.

Please confirm no later than 2 PM PST on February 4, 2016 that you will cease and desist from your lawless
behavior.

All rights are reserved.

Sincerely,
Bart Dixslurper, Esq.

Mr B. Dixsleurper,
No.
Respectfully,
Science Monkeying-Nutford (the Third)

Date: 2 Feb 2016
To: $cnMonkeyNut$
From: Bart Dixslurper, Esq.
Re: Criminal J&D

Dear $cnMonkeyNut$,

Well it certainly would appear that haters are gon’ hate. Therefore, you are #1 on my shit list for refusing to respect my authoritay as a Scientology lawyer.

Please confirm no later than 2 PM PST on February 4, 2016 that you will cease and desist from your lawless behavior and hating of me. I am a player and will not be hated by a common wog monkey.

All rights are reserved.

Sincerely,
Bart Dixslurper, Esq.

Date: 2 Feb 2016
To: Bart Dixslurper, Esq.
Re: Criminal J&D

Dear Mr. Dixslurper,

While I appreciate that it might appear (to the untutored eye, perhaps), that I appear to be a hater of you (and your client), nothing could be further from the truth. My obvious disrespect for you and your client arises from the fact that:
1) Your client is the ‘Church’ of $cientology’s ‘Ecclesiastical’ leader Flute Admirer Dinky Microviolencemachine.
It therefore follows that:
2) I recognise no authoritay in you, for which I should exhibit even the slightest morsel of respect.

Awfully sorry, old fellow!

This missive is to confirm that my taking the piss out of your client by means of joking and degrading will continue, and no such cessation will occur by the specified time and date.

Furthermore, I find your direct communication vexatious–and would request any further unfounded statements of playerhood be addressed to my Solicitors, Messrs. Wier, Gunner-Wynn and Kyk-Yerarse, of 35 London, Englandshire.

Sincerely,

Science Monkeying-Nutford (the Third)

Date: 2 Feb 2016
To: Messrs. Wier, Gunner-Wynn and Kyk-Yerarse
35 London, Englandshire
From: Bart Dixslurper, Esq.
Re: Your client Science Monkeying-Nutford (the Third)

Dear Messrs. Wier, Gunner-Wynn and Kyk-Yerarse,

We have been retained as counsel by the Religious Technology Center (RTC), the holder of Scientology trademarks and copyrights. In the Commonwealth countries we are known as COSRECI and are headquartered in a private home, the owner of which we have never, apparently, properly informed of such. See: http://tonyortega.org/2015/02/…

This bit of tax-evasion fuckery notwithstanding, your client Science Monkeying-Nutford (the Third) is a co-conspirator with a tiny handful of bitter suppressive persons (collectively known as Bunkerites) in a global conspiracy to criminally Joke & Degrade about my client Fleet Admiral David Miscavige, Lord High Ruler of the Espinol Star System and all Churches, Missions, and Social Betterment Groups in the Scientology Ecclesiastical Hierarchy.

These jokers & degraders — including your client — are not capable of being ashamed, this despite our repeated attempts at shaming them into ceasing and desisting with their shameful mockeries and various blasphemies directed against Fleet Admiral David Miscavige and the Church of Scientology.

BTW, I might add that Fleet Admiral David Miscavige has all his splendid haberdashery custom made in the finest boy’s stores on Saville Row. He also has his John Lobb shoes made in London.

But I digress.

The point is that I have twice now demanded your client to please confirm to me no later than 2 PM PST on February 4, 2016 that he will cease and desist from his lawless
behavior.

My demands have been met with derision and a lack of seriousness. I find this disturbing. We are the Church of Scientology after all and expect to be feared by God and Wog alike.

Please advise soonest of your client’s compliance with my very serious demands.

All rights are reserved.

Sincerely,

Bart Dixslurper, Esq.

Date: 2nd February 2016
To: Bart Dixslurper, Esq.
From: Hartley Kyk-Yerarse (Senior Partner), Messrs. Weir, Gunner-Wynn and Kyk-Yerarse LLC (Solicitors)
Re: S. Monkeying-Nutford III

Dear Mr. Dixslurper,

Thank you for notifying us of your client’s opinion as to the actions of Mr. Monkeying-Nutford III. They have been passed onto our client for comment.

Our Client initially informs us, however, that he has no intention of desisting in the actions alleged by your client (including, but not limited to, the activities as outlined in your communication), nor from ceasing interaction with the group named by yourselves. Any paranoid conspiracy theories perceived by your client is solely the result of issues (possibly of a medical or psychiatric nature), entirely unrelated to our client’s activity.

May I thank your client for supporting this county’s economy and the luxury shoe and shirt markets. They do so love charging him ten times over the odds.

With specific reference to the time and date requirement for our client’s ceasing and desisting the lawless behaviour alleged by your clients, Mr. Monkeying-Nutford requested that we state: So Sue Him Then. Our client further states he has no fear of the personification of bronze-age socio-political control mechanisms, nor the ‘religion’ of an unknown, fourth-rate, sci-fi hack.

To conclude:
No compliance will be forthcoming from our client for your client’s, frankly frivolous, demands.

Yours sincerely,

Hartley Kyk-Yerarse

S. O. Weir
T. O. T. Ally Gunner-Wynn
Hartley Kyk-Yerarse
SENIOR PARTNERSWeir, Gunner-Wynn and Kyk-Yerarse Solicitors LLC (Estd 1568)

4 responses to “Round One: Bart Dixslurper, Esq. Legal Correspondence with Science Monkeying-Nutford (the Third)

  1. You’ve made my day Jeffrey, I worked for 10 years for OSA legal team in Paris so your joking and degrading of scieno letgalese speaks to me. This is hilarious!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Erratum: It should read scieno legalese. Sorry for the typo.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Round Two: Bart Dixslurper, Esq. Legal Correspondence with Science Monkeying-Nutford (the Third) | OTVIIIisGrrr8!

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