New Scientology Earth Phone Released

Black telephone

The New Scientology Earth Phone

“The new Scientology Earth Phone makes it possible for any Scientologist to call any other Scientologist on Earth,” announced Church spokesperson Stayta Kleer.

“But rather than relying upon dubious 21st century NSA-infested wog electronics and gimmicky apps, the Scientology Earth Phone relies upon the same rugged and proven 1950’s telephone technology Ron used — and this includes fully trained and hatted Church operators manning switchboards.”


“It’s a simple as dialing ‘O’ for an OSA operator to place a call,” said Kleer. “Once the operator is reached you simply tell them the name of the Scientologist to whom you wish to speak. You must also tell the operator why you wish to speak to the other party.”

“The operator will place you on hold while both you and the other party are checked against OSA’s list of disaffected and suppressive persons. Facebook friends are also checked. Once the OSA operator has determined that both parties are in good standing with the Church, the parties are connected.”

“For everyone’s safety,” emphasized Stayta Kleer, “the OSA operator will remain on the line and record the phone call. Calls are limited to fifteen minutes and should, ideally, only be concerned with advancing the cause of planetary clearing — and by this we mean confirming attendance at upcoming events and how to achieve targets for the vital next fundraise.”

“Per COB’s GAT II Phone Survival Rundown, no idle chitchat will be permitted or tolerated. Any off purpose calls will result in a KR and an Ethics handling.”

9 replies »

  1. This is good news, but I would like to see this carried even further by having every Scientologist buy an OSA approved, silver-certed, Ideal Telex machine. This would provide a vital means of communication for those important items that need to be in writing. It goes without saying that any good Telex machine should be equipped with a vintage ‘GOSA’ Turbo shredder. Just in case.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. In the “routing forms” advices Hubbard in 1982ish mentions a gizmo sort of like an Ipad/Ereader. It was to contain the instructions how to route customers in the Scientology fake churches and also contain all their important files information. Sort of space age Stasi files in an Ipad device, for unmistakeable “handling” while the customer was in the hands of the idiots holding the positions in the future fake Scientology churches!

    You have no idea how harebrained Hubbard really was.

    I truly hope Shelly Miscavige at the Hubbard secret (for real) head “CST” (Church of Spiritual Technology) underground vault repository at rim of the world in the San Bernadino Mtns someday she leaks all of Hubbard’s nuttiness.

    Hubbard’s whole “originals” of his private final years’ traffic, including the space opera hare-brained ideas for computerizing Scientology (the famous in house “Duke of Chug” advices) is contained in the site Shelly works at as we speak!

    I hope Shelly escapes soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My 14 roommates and I in our one bedroom apartment were able to combine our savings to buy this amazing tech tool for a mere $4,500 (25% discount, thank you COB!!!). We yelled “DIAL ‘O’” using tone 40 for three days to try to make a call, but nothing happened. On day #4 we postulated that someone was PTS to the phone and pulled in an ethics officer to get to the bottom of the situation. This was a win of wins decision because the MAA was a 65 year old with advanced knowledge this device as well as finding trouble sources within our dwelling. The MAA told us we needed to buy an ideal “Line cord” from Flag and also set up an account with a wog phone company. He also found the SPs that were holding us back. Seven members of our household were ushered away for PTS handling.

    While our remaining household members are working on gathering enough money for the “Ideal Line cord” to comply with command intention we are searching for upstanding and in good standing members of our group to share rent and wog bills. I can’t wait to be able to use this “Earth phone”. Thank you COB!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. And it costs 15.99 per minute, 24.99 for those over OTIII, and surcharges will be added for all BTs and BT clusters detected by the phone call. Any exteriorization will be charged as an extra line.


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