“The new Scientology Earth Phone makes it possible for any Scientologist to call any other Scientologist on Earth,” announced Church spokesperson Stayta Kleer.
“But rather than relying upon dubious 21st century NSA-infested wog electronics and gimmicky apps, the Scientology Earth Phone relies upon the same rugged and proven 1950’s telephone technology Ron used — and this includes fully trained and hatted Church operators manning switchboards.”
“It’s a simple as dialing ‘O’ for an OSA operator to place a call,” said Kleer. “Once the operator is reached you simply tell them the name of the Scientologist to whom you wish to speak. You must also tell the operator why you wish to speak to the other party.”
“The operator will place you on hold while both you and the other party are checked against OSA’s list of disaffected and suppressive persons. Facebook friends are also checked. Once the OSA operator has determined that both parties are in good standing with the Church, the parties are connected.”
“For everyone’s safety,” emphasized Stayta Kleer, “the OSA operator will remain on the line and record the phone call. Calls are limited to fifteen minutes and should, ideally, only be concerned with advancing the cause of planetary clearing — and by this we mean confirming attendance at upcoming events and how to achieve targets for the vital next fundraise.”
“Per COB’s GAT II Phone Survival Rundown, no idle chitchat will be permitted or tolerated. Any off purpose calls will result in a KR and an Ethics handling.”