Evil galactic spacelord Xenu has been located today in Hemet, California. Posing as the ecclesiastical leader of Scientology, the cosmic tyrant is considered mentally unhinged and dangerous.
Citizens are warned not to approach Xenu nor to fall prey to his rose-scented blandishments in which he promises the gullible Super Powers in exchange for large sums of money. Should they spot Xenu, citizens are asked to call the California Rogue Spacelord Control Bureau.
Xenu is believed to have escaped from his electronic mountain prison with the aid of an accomplice named of Tom Cruise. The two guh-lactic felons were last seen disguised as New Age swamis:
John Travolta needs Captain David ” let him die” Miscavige’s fluffy, fluffy hair.
Commenting on the shot of COB at the podium sporting beautifil brown hair: I havent seen such fabulously stiff, voluminous hair since I saw Max Headroom on TV years ago….
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The fricking hair! BWAHAHAHAHA
But if Xenu is on the loose, don’t you people realize that means our beloved COB is missing? We need to find out what has happened to our beloved Captain Dave!!
If we can get this Xenu character on service, GAT II is more than a match for his galactic engrams and suppressive behavior. This Cruise chracter is the one who worries me. He seems truly unhinged.
This whole Xenu being evil has gotten a lot of black PR over the years. It might just be he’s misunderstood. I recall reading about some of his classmates at their 74,371,295th Class Re-Union. They fondly recall that even though Xenu didn’t graduate, he’s remembered a real cut up and class clown. HIs favorite gag was the pull my finger thing.