Despite wide public outrage following his hiring of disgraced Subway pitchman and child sexual predator Jared Fogle to be a new Church spokesman, Scientology boss David Miscavige has refused to bow to pressure and fire Fogle.

“The Church of Scientology is not about winning popularity contests,” said Miscavige. “What the Church is about is money and Fogle is a proven moneymaker who helped Subway sell billions of mediocre sandwiches in fifteen years.”

“Jared Fogle believed in what he was selling and that made him credible to the masses — and that includes myself” Miscavige added. “Indeed, it was because of Jared Fogle that I learned to savor a hot and meaty footlong late at night.”

Miscavige was emphatic in stating, “we in the Church of Scientology refuse to have our actions dictated by the stupid and deluded wog culture we are trying to save.”

“Why to hear all of the bigoted wog Scientology haters talk, Scientology needs to stop the beatings, disconnection, fair game, and our system of religious prisons. But those very things are what makes Scientology so uniquely Scientology.”

“We’re not going to give up our doctrinal practices because of wogs bitching about us — and we’re keeping Jared Fogle as part of our new Scientology Media Productions.”

“Look,” Miscavige concluded, “there was this same bigoted wog hating last year when the Church of Scientology announced our religious whaling program.  But what happened? We ignored the haters and began religious whaling. The bigots can hate on Scientology all they want, but it changes nothing. The tax-exempt Church of Scientology will continue to do whatever it damn well pleases.”