Church of Scientology Media Relations VP Ken Delusion confirmed today that Scientology ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige has hired Jared Fogle to be a spokesman for the Church’s new Scientology Media Productions unit.
“Although disgraced as Subway’s long-time pitchman, Mr. Miscavige believes Jared Fogle can be quickly and easily rehabilitated by Scientology’s unique methods and thereby become an effective spokesman for the Church,” said Delusion.
“Jared Fogle successfully convinced millions of people over the course of decades that mediocre and overpriced Subway sandwiches loaded with sodium, fat, and preservatives are healthy because Subway threw some vegetables on them,” Delusion noted. “And in the process of doing so, Fogle boomed Subway’s sales and profits and earned himself $15,000,000.”
“Mr. Miscavige believes that Jared Fogle’s singularly persuasive abilities to hype an eminently mediocre, largely stale, and overpriced product is something the Church of Scientology desperately needs right now,” Delusion emphasized.
“Despite Fogle’s ethical lapses, Mr. Miscavige is confident that Fogle can still contribute to Scientology during his extended guest stay in a state facility. Moreover,” Delusion concluded, “the Church of Scientology already has a bunch of criminals in senior positions on staff and so what’s one more?”