Scientology Boss David Miscavige Hires Jared Fogle as Spokesman


Church of Scientology Media Relations VP Ken Delusion confirmed today that Scientology ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige has hired Jared Fogle to be a spokesman for the Church’s new Scientology Media Productions unit.

“Although disgraced as Subway’s long-time pitchman, Mr. Miscavige believes Jared Fogle can be quickly and easily rehabilitated by Scientology’s unique methods and thereby become an effective spokesman for the Church,” said Delusion.

“Jared Fogle successfully convinced millions of people over the course of decades that mediocre and overpriced Subway sandwiches loaded with sodium, fat, and preservatives are healthy because Subway threw some vegetables on them,” Delusion noted. “And in the process of doing so, Fogle  boomed Subway’s sales and profits and earned himself $15,000,000.”

“Mr. Miscavige believes that Jared Fogle’s singularly persuasive abilities to hype an eminently mediocre, largely stale, and overpriced product is something the Church of Scientology desperately needs right now,” Delusion emphasized.

“Despite Fogle’s ethical lapses, Mr. Miscavige is confident that Fogle can still contribute to Scientology during his extended guest stay in a state facility. Moreover,” Delusion concluded, “the Church of Scientology already has a bunch of criminals in senior positions on staff and so what’s one more?”

8 replies »

  1. This is wonderful news. Jarod must have inherently known that even pre-pubescent females are really just big thetans in underdeveloped bodies and that sex is a game that thetans, not bodies play. This must come as a great relief to Jarod as his proposal to Victoria Secret opening a children’s section was flatly rejected by wog haters.


  2. Jared Fogle’s “ethical lapse”? I thought Scientologists believe that the thetan spirit is millions of years old and most likely capable of legal consent. Just because it happens to be housed in a 12 year-old meat body doesn’t mean anything illegal is going on. When Scientologists, the most ethical people on the planet, have sex with children, it’s OK by their religion.


    • “The Church does not engage in any activities that mistreat, neglect or force children to engage in manual labour,” said Church of Scientology spokesperson Ken Delusion. “The Church also follows all applicable child labor laws.”

      “But, yes, according to Scientology scriptures children are trillions of years old thetans in child bodies and our protected First Amendment activities are nobody’s business but our own. Lots of those Mormon polygamists, well, Scientology ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige strongly feels that Warren Jeffs and Tony Alamo were both within their religious rights to marry twelve years old girls as per their religious views.”

      “Jared Fogle’s only crime,” Delusion added, “was that he did not start a Church. Had Fogle done so he could have kept himself out of prison for another 7-10 years fighting the charges — particularly if he had hired Scientology’s crack team of criminal defense attorneys.”


  3. Jared Fogle is a more than adequate replacement for Tommy Davis. Jared cut his teeth for Subway, but now he’ll be playing the ultimate game. It almost seems ironic that from behind prison walls he’ll be waging a war for the future of this X-forsaken prison planet.

    Hoping you can help us…we recently became enturbulated hearing reports of CoS dead agenting itself. Is this some sort of queen sacrifice move taken out of the annals of chess game theory?


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