“Captain David Miscavige has ordered all 1,200,000,000 Scientologists in the Los Angeles area to call the Terror-Rama Dome 500-1000x each to repeatedly complain about this hateful and bigoted attack upon Scientology’s heavily-copyrighted $360,000 plan of salvation,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.
“What we really want,” Delusion emphasized, “is to have OSA collect up all copies of the book and the film Going Clear and then burn all of them in a giant bonfire at midnight on the grounds of Celebrity Centre International as Scientologists dance around in the nude and cackle manically.”
“We in the Church of Scientology truly hate all of these degraded homo sap wogs out there who think ‘freedom of speech’ is the freedom to attack our multibillion dollar religion-like transnational business. We in the Church of Scientology are very bitter and therefore Captain Miscavige has issued an Imperial Ecclesiastical Decree.”
— Imperial Ecclesiastical Decree from Captain David Miscavige —
“HBO is hereby ordered to cease its suppressive activities and turn over all copies of Going Clear to Scientology officials.”
“Additionally, the peoples of Earth are ordered to cease their attacks upon the Church of Scientology or face the dire consequences of great judgment!”