Embattled NBC news anchor Brian Williams has turned to the Church of Scientology for help.
Williams knows that Scientology’s proven ability to handle crisis PR is vital if he is to save his career and reputation.
“Williams main problem is that he is apologizing to his critics instead of finding and exposing their crimes,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.
“In Scientology we never apologize, especially when we get caught telling the sort of big whopping lies of which we are so fond. Apologies are weak pantywaisted behavior we call ‘propitiation’ and we hate propitiation,” Delusion emphasized. “In Scientology we always attack the attacker. We never defend!”
“The key out point here, “Delusion noted, “is Williams’ failure to savagely attack his critics. Williams has not created even one single hate website designed to smear his opponents as pedophiles, felons, prostitutes, liars, embezzlers, drug dealers, haters, and murderers. For example, we in the Church of Scientology just did a hatchet job on Alex Gibney and HBO that was very effective in telling our side of the story.”
“Worst of all, Williams has not even played the conspiracy card.”
“Williams needs to claim that he is being attacked because he was about to present irrefutable evidence that the Pentagon is secretly behind the spraying of Psych-drug laden chemtrails on US cities. Williams needs to say that this Obama-ordered atrocity is being done to weaken and enslave America, destroy our children, and take away our guns, e-meters, and freedom!”
“Frankly,” Delusion stated, “the only hope for Williams is to join the Church of Scientology, buy himself a few intensives of life repair, do his TR’s, and then go Fair Game the shit out of his enemies with the help of OSA.”
Categories: OTVIIIisGrrr8!
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 
Williams is too honest for Scientology.
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Too honest for Scientology? Don’t you actually mean that Williams is too weak to do whatever it takes to clear the planet?
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Thank goodness L Ron Hubbard provided us with the only workable technology for dealing with situations like Mr Williams’ present one.
All those fake religious implants like Jesus and Buddha prattle on about turning the other cheek and forgiving one’s enemies. What did those false prophets know about the realities of life?
Scientology is the only religion which offers a solution for the irritating exigencies of modern life. “Attack, never defend.” Thank you, Ron.
Andrew
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Most Scientologists just create a new and better reality to combat bad PR. The big drawback to that is, by having your head in the sand all the time, you leave your butt exposed to be kicked by anyone.
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$cientology is a religion built on conflated stories….from $ource conflating his WWII service record of sinking the entire Japanese submarine fleet off the coast of Oregon to his day trips to the Van Allen belt…from Xenu to implanting stations on Mars…but, hey it’s easy to confuse things when you’re a drug addled hack science fiction writer and border line psychotic…
Easy too evidently for a pompous empty headed news reader…Brian Williams and $cientology are cut from similar cloth…maybe he should start a religion.
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FYI, that “pompous empty headed news reader” has just become the newest FLAG-TRAINED GAT II AUDITOR!!!!
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B b b b butttttt……..
Can Brian Williams count to two?
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Once COB RTC hears “helicopter shot down”, no details matter. Who cares who was or was not in the helicopter? They brought it down, right?
A downed helicopter is always a win for all those who fight against bigotry, and especially for those who fight against helicopter bigotry.
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I love that enough to sign up for a free personality test.
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