North Korea declared today “Humanitarian David Miscavige Day.” An award ceremony was held at the Holiday Inn in Pyongyang. Goat meat, potatoes, powdered milk, rice, and healthful Russian vodka was served.

Humanitarian David Miscavige gave a six-hour speech on Scientology and human rights. This speech was politely greeted by spontaneous outbursts of applause.

An unnamed official from the North Korean Justice Ministry boldly denounced Humanitarian David Miscavige’s enemies as the tools of “Western Capitalist Pigs” and the “Hateful American Bankers.” Additional remonstrations were made against Psychiatry and the “Running Dog Lackeys of HBO.”

The North Korean generals  present expressed great admiration for the many medals of Humanitarian David Miscavige. They further complimented Mr. Miscavige on his lifelike appearance and mannerisms.

The International Association of Scientologists reciprocated the generosity of North Korea by declaring North Korean Supreme Leaser Kim Jong-un to be the greatest, wisest, and most handsome world leader in 50,000 years of history. $2,560,000 in cash from the US IAS MT was also donated to North Korea along with an ample supply of wheelbarrows, tractors, and shoes.