Speaking today from the Sundance Film Festival, Scientology global ecclesiastical leader Captain David Miscavige reached out to crime victims with the offer of a free DVD.
“If you have been the victim of a crime,” Captain Miscavige said, “this free Scientology DVD explains how, for as little as $800,000, Scientology can help you locate the hidden source of all human aberrations.”
“This DVD is free,” declared Captain Miscavige, “but Scientology is not. But then again what price can you put on finding the answer to the 75,000,000 year old catastrophe that holds this sector of the galaxy captive to unseen forces?”
“Drop by your nearest Scientology Ideal Org today for the free DVD and a free personality test. And now I have the pleasure of introducing Scientogist Tom Cruise speaking on why it’s an honor to call yourself a Scientologist.”
“Take it away Tom!”