“His Imperial Ecclesiastical Holiness David Miscavige today issued a royal decree declaring the Sundance Film Festival an evil Marcab-implanted danger zone,” announced Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.
“An ancient extraterrestrial race of evil Psychiatrists, the Marcabs excel in infecting the minds of humans with evil implants.”
“The Marcabs especially seek to infect our youth through moving pictures and internets,” Delusion warned.
“The most recent proof of Marcab implanting is a so-called ‘documentary’ by HBO and Alex Gibney that attacks the Church of Scientology.”
“Because we in the Church of Scientology are so wildly successful, it is to be expected that Marcab activity will peak in 2015 as the Marcabs rage like cornered animals.”
“Therefore, to ensure the safety of our parishioners, all Scientologists are hereby ordered to observe the 100 mile Scientology exclusion zone around Sundance, Utah.”
“Anyone who watches this dangerous HBO documentary will instantly become a brainwashed zombie,” Delusion warned.
“In related news, John Travolta today announced he was no longer a Scientologist,” (story continued page 3).