At the request of Jimmy3 on the Underground Bunker, we in RTC are making COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige available to answer all of your questions.
Please ask Mr. Miscavige anything.
How fucked up are you right now?
COB: “I just checked my IAS bank accounts against my cash burn for wog attorneys. I am fine for at least the next five years. I have no fear of arrest because I have had Shelly signing everything for the past 25 years. She is the one the Feds will want. I followed the Founder’s flubless advice on wives in this regard.”
Shelly is being investigated by OSA. She is not a missing person.
My question is on “Big Beings.” Is one born a big being, or can you become a big being? I want to be a big being so I am ready willing and able to do whatever it takes!
In Scientology the “biggest of big beings” is defined as COB.
Aside from COB, a “big being” is defined as any Scientologist in good standing who is A) extremely wealthy, and, B) willing to donate ever-increasingly large sums of cash to the IAS upon demand.
We in RTC want you to get this as a technical fact and not a good idea: If a big being goes bankrupt they are no longer a big being. They become an SP and we in the Church of Scientology want nothing to do with downstat and unable persons. Should they come into wealth again, they may contact the IJC, do steps A-E, and then strike an effective blow against the group they were pretending to be a member of. After completing these actions, such persons may petition to rejoin the group after making a heroic and monumental donation to the IAS.
Dear COB RTC,
You know how it’s damn near impossible to start a new roll of toilet paper without shredding and tearing the first sheet of the roll? That’s annoying, isn’t it? And it’s costly… The first sheet is just as valuable as any other sheet, and–especially if you’re in the Sea Org–you really need every sheet you can get. Does COB RTC envision a way that the Church of Scientology can solve this problem?
Please allow me a second question:
Where’s Nelly? You know, that rapper that was very famous a dozen years ago? Where is he now? What’s he doing?
COB: “I violently oppose purchasing toilet paper for downstats! Factually, and in defense of my outstanding human rights record, it must be pointed out that there have always been working bathrooms in the Church of Scientology. Indeed, during my decades as the ecclesiastical leader of the Scientology religion, every Org has had at least one bathroom. As I see it, I have fully met the Sea Org, staff, and publics halfway by providing at least one bathroom per Org. These whiny dilettantes need to meet me halfway by getting their owned damned toilet paper. They need to stop dramatizing toilet paper and stop being so damned PTS to the Scientology bathroom experience!”
When will you be deposed?
Are you afraid to love a man?
COB just can’t resist a man in a Nazi uniform wearing an eye patch, especially if his name is Tom Cruise:
does T.Cruise meet you lips in height?
No and this is why a stool is sometimes seen when COB and TC meet.
Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
COB: “Yes, and in fact I have done the same Thelema rituals as did the Founder. Whereupon it becomes evident that John Travolta is my Jack Parsons, my Magickal partner.”
Have you found a perfect clear? Even one?
Grant Cardone…clearly a perfect asshole.
COB: “My hat as COB RTC is to safeguard and ensure the purity of the Tech and to ensure that RTC’s sole licensee CSI keeps the Tech pure. Whereupon, it falls to Orgs sub-licensed by CSI to certify Clears. You really need to ask Snr C/S Int this question.”
What have you done with the Gumbo Butter©®?
COB: “I ordered the Gumbo Butter©® locked away so that Kirstie Alley doesn’t eat it. She eats butter as fast as OSA burns through money for wog lawyers!”
Does COB have a conscience?
A conscience is for wogs.
We’ve noticed less emphasis on moving up the bridge in a technical sense in that the founder’s primary objective of creating auditors was paramount. Creating auditors met the demnd for auditing and also created the needed cash stream from providing servives thus serving the ultimate aim (rather effectively) of enriching the founder’s bank account.
It seems COB has cogged that by creating a new monetary bridge, he could bypass those pesky middle men (auditors) while actually increasing the cash flow aquisition rate. I mean it takes awhile to actually go through a course. On the other hand, write a check and VOILA!!…instant status.
How did he come to this counter-intuitive, yet brilliant deduction? I mean those platinum mega status trophies are nice and all, but…
I have a theory this was the founder’s next (and ultimate) OT level….so secret, it had to remain hidden for over 25 years.
Would COB care to comment?
We in RTC asked COB for a comment and he was quite happy to take the stage by way of reply:
Boxers or briefs?
COB only wears his COB golden thong.
Yes, I would like to ask COB why the bigness of beings tends to be in inverse proportion to the height of their meat sacks. Big Being #1 seemed of a normal height, but Big Beings #2 and #3 seem to be, well … petite.
As the thetan becomes a bigger being… he or she needs less and less of a meat body. Likewise, they become less and less homo sap. The secret, unannounced OT X’s on The Freewinds II look like this:
I still am furious that T C. received an award from the Weisnthal center for that movie. I wrote to them after they gave it to him.. What a crock. They are against human trafficking and cruelty. Yet they did not want to hear that the C O S does just that. It is still a good organization, though
Tom Cruise is most certainly a humanitarian. After all, that award he received is only given to humanitarians and so it logically follows that Mr. Cruise must be a humanitarian. Were he not, he would not have received the humanitarian award. Honestly, the logic here is so self-evident that we in RTC wonder why we even waste our time with stupid wogs like you!
I will ask the question others afraid to ask….how big is COB’s schlong? Since he is a Big Being, we all want to know….
Do you know what a yardstick is?
I’m confused. What does a yardstick have to do with his tiny penis?
No, but I know what a microscope is.
Now THATS straight up and vertical!!
What does COB think of The Ham?
follow-up: Do you like “The Ham” or “Hambo” better as a nickname? Or if you dislike either option, what does you call him?
follow-up to the follow-up: Does you think WordPress should allow one to edit their comments?
And how many of his cookie-cutter lawsuits does he need to bankrupt Scientology?
We in RTC have issued an ecclesiastical arrest warrant for “The Ham” charging him with practicing Psychiatry while posing as a lawyer. We are quite certain that The Ham works for Interpol. Freedom Magazine will be exposing The Ham in an upcoming issue.
Is he Public Enemy Number One, or does that honor belong to J. Swift?
If and when COB drops his meat body, who is waiting in the wings to take over and carry on the job?
The reincarnation of LRH.
Only one man is being considered for the job. However, we in RTC fear that his 2D will sabotage him in the same way Shelly sabotaged COB and MSH sabotaged LRH. It may be that a Celibate Leader of RTC is needed. The Catholics solved the issue of dangerous women a long time ago and we applaud them for it.
Is there anyone left in your family that hasn’t blown?
Also how much weed does your twin sister smoke every day?
Denise was going to answer this question herself, but then she got high.
COB: “For me, ‘family’ is the First Dynamic. I care only about my own survival and not that of those meat-body SP’s who claim to share my unique Cobeanian DNA.
Where’s Waldo? And why hasn’t he reached Platinum Meritorious status yet?
Waldo met his unlamented demise last year when he was fatally mutilated in an industrial accident at PAC Base. This was just as well as he was about to go to wog authorities on some alleged criminal impropriety of magnitude.
Why did Waldo fail to see the chip shredder? He failed to see it because he had become suppressive and was therefore out of Present Time. As LAPD and OSHA agreed, it was a terrible accident. We in RTC donated several million IAS dollars to various the LAPD and OSHA accounts to show our deep appreciation for their fine service to our community.
Waldo is hiding (his wallet).
When COB will become a President of the World, in the next year or two, who is going to be his Vice President? And what is the voting system?
COB is already the President of the World and people are beginning to wake up to this point. By law, there is a VP but he or she is perma-RPF’d. There is no voting as Democracy is a group or bank agreement that is aberrated. The Founder hated Democracy and so does the Founderette COB.
Dear COB! I have read on the internet that you suck cock on Hollywood Boulevard. I would like to know if this is true.
If the answer is yes, I will have to reconsider my membership of your church.
NO BIRGIT NO!
You are obviously confusing COB with religious leader Ted Haggard:
Dear COB, I’m sure you’ve heard of the “Million Dollar Paranormal Challenge.” The James Randi Educational Foundation will give $1,000,000 to anyone who can demonstrate a paranormal ability under fair conditions that prevent fraud or error. So here is my question, when are you going to use your legendary OT powers to pick up this quick mill?
And just think of the publicity! The minute you show those stupid “wogs” what a Scientology “big being” can really do, all opposition will cease, and people everywhere will flock to the ideal orgs clamoring for services.
As tempting as it would be to take the money, we in Scientology are opposed to showing off our powers.
Dear COB, Can you please rank the following:
Making people suffer
Having sex with a boyish looking Lou
What are your thoughts on hipsters?
Are you a fan of beards? Will you get another one?
COB treats hipsters the same way he treats Tom Cruise, which is to say badly. COB has had another beard named Lou for a long time.
Is Haywood Nelson still in?
What is COB’s relationship with Linda Hamel? Did she send in the squirrel busters without COB’s knowledge? Will phone records prove that? What will you do if she blows?
Hey COB, what’s with the Navy Admiral uniform with all those colorful ribbons and medals? I think real Navy folks would take offense that you sport so many medals and yet have not served in the Navy……
And (P.S.) COB, do you even know how to sail a ship? Or drop an anchor? Can you even navigate a ship out of port, or out on the open ocean? It would be a laugh to see you in your Admiral Uniform trying to execute even the most basic naval maneuver…..(LOL)
I heard LRH needs a genetically uncontaminated moonchild baby spawned so he can come back as an antichrist/politician, is that correct?
Do you have an eta on when you’ll begin fundraising for this ideal sperm project, or any info to sell us on how you will conjure the magic spermz and ovum so those marcab overlords among us and “those outside time” will *finally* be removed as our true barrier for failing to achieve total freedom?
You were best friends with the old man, the one he was closest to in his most advanced known period in a body and you were the one whom he chose to take under his wing and mentor , So being in a uniquely blessed position – to be as close to “Source” as you were What memories, or stories or experiences that you could Dear Leader bestow upon us or tell us about that person.
Moreover, you have mentioned that “Severe reality adjustments” were a thing that Ron would dish out on those needing it around that time, So anything you could elaborate about on that idea,would be eagerly acked.
COB: “LRH made too many mistakes that I’ve had to clean up. Therefore, in a very real technical sense, I have become the real Founder of Scientology. The busts of my image will be appearing in Ideal Orgs and at Flag very soon.”
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