A group of pasty white and out-of-shape Scientology Volunteer Ministers from St. Louis are being parachuted into war-torn Rostov, Russia to distribute copies of The Way to Happiness.

The VM’s have 100% certainty that if the warring and homicidal armines of Vladimir Putin and Yevgeny Prigozhin will read, understand, and apply the simple moral precepts contained in the nonsectarian Way to Happiness, then peace will prevail between these bitter enemies that threaten to plunge Russia into Civil War.

“The Messrs. Putin and Prigozhin can thank we in Scientology later,” said David Miscavige. “For now we just want to see peace and harmony among these brutish Slavic peoples.”