Tom Cruise was AWOL from the Oscars as he was needed elsewhere to protect the Earth from a threatened alien invasion.

“We in Scientology Intelligence received a credible report that the Fifth Invader Force was going to invade Earth during the Oscars,” said Ensign Irma Bautista. “Therefore, COB ordered Tom Cruise to skip the Oscars and protect the Earth because only Tom Cruise can protect us.”

“Tom Cruise fended off the Fifth Invader Force attack and Earth remains safe for now.”