“Due to the global electronics shortage, we in Scientology are facing a 208-week backorder on repair components for our 21-year-old fleet of Ultra Mark VII e-meters,” said Ricky Rockslammer of Golden Era Electronics.
“Due to some SP’s lack of planning and stocking e-meter repair parts in 2002, our Ultra Mark VII fleet is down to only 38 working units globally — and this is all we have left even after scavenging parts off 1,200 non-operable meters!”
“Scientology leader Dr. David Miscavige applied the DANGER formula and has ordered all Scientology Orgs to use Ouija Boards in place of the e-meter. This order will be in force until 2027 when the backordered repair parts arrive from China.”
When asked why a new E-Meter has not been designed and built by the Church of Scientology, Mr. Rockslammer explained that Dr. David Miscavige’s 21-year-old Mark VII e-meter represents the zenith of technical perfection for all of eternity and no improvements are possible.
“NASA, the CIA, the NRO, CERN, Harvard, MIT, Caltech and even the esteemed astrophysicist Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson have all examined the e-meter designed by Dr. David Miscavige and declared it to be at least 50,000 years ahead of its time. Some even swear that COB must have come from the future to our time to give humanity the gift of this e-meter and the hope of salvation by the purchase of Scientology goods and services.”