David Miscavige Approves the Use of the Ouija Board to Replace the E-Meter

“Due to the global electronics shortage, we in Scientology are facing a 208-week backorder on repair components for our 21-year-old fleet of Ultra Mark VII e-meters,” said Ricky Rockslammer of Golden Era Electronics.

“Due to some SP’s lack of planning and stocking e-meter repair parts in 2002, our Ultra Mark VII fleet is down to only 38 working units globally — and this is all we have left even after scavenging parts off 1,200 non-operable meters!”

“Scientology leader Dr. David Miscavige applied the DANGER formula and has ordered all Scientology Orgs to use Ouija Boards in place of the e-meter. This order will be in force until 2027 when the backordered repair parts arrive from China.”

When asked why a new E-Meter has not been designed and built by the Church of Scientology, Mr. Rockslammer explained that Dr. David Miscavige’s 21-year-old Mark VII e-meter represents the zenith of technical perfection for all of eternity and no improvements are possible.

“NASA, the CIA, the NRO, CERN, Harvard, MIT, Caltech and even the esteemed astrophysicist Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson have all examined the e-meter designed by Dr. David Miscavige and declared it to be at least 50,000 years ahead of its time. Some even swear that COB must have come from the future to our time to give humanity the gift of this e-meter and the hope of salvation by the purchase of Scientology goods and services.”

6 replies »

  1. I kinda hate to be Miss Smarty Pants here, but I have an easy solution for this atrocious dilemma. All Dr. COB RTC Capt’n David ‘f/n’ Miscavige has to do is order the downstats in the tens of thousands of Ideal Orgs in China onto the “Public RPF” to do a stint in the Rare Earth element mines to get production back to Normal. How easy is that? Easy peasee, and no I don’t expect a commendation for this suggestion but a gift certificate to my local Denny’s would certainly be most welcome this time of year since my Wog family has disowned me for my constant Dissemination efforts and a tasty holiday meal would be nice.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It sure sounds like the supply chain people at Golden Era are the same people that are in charge of the inventory of military equipment in the Russian army. They’re trying to dig out 1960s era tanks from storage in Siberia only to discover that all the supply clerks have stripped the wiring and engines out of the tanks to sell on the Russian equivalent of eBay.

    The Golden Era staff has probably been selling the chips on Craigslist to get money to buy smokes, so that they make sure they don’t get cancer, in line with Hubbard policy.


    • We in RTC suspect the missing chips were stolen and sold to the Psychs by secret CIA agents posing as Sea Org members at Golden Era. The Psychs have been after the secrets of Scientology’s e-meter for decades! But yes, the chips may have been stolen by Gold Base crew to pay for their cigarettes, toilet paper, and real food.


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