“We in the Church of Scientology are outraged about the way Senator Kamala Harris and her staff are having themselves a good laugh over Rep. Karen Bass’ ‘Scientology problem,'” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“What Senator Harris — and this entire planet it seems — doesn’t realize is that Scientology is a solution and not a problem. We in Scientology are the only ones who can help at the scene of an accident. We are the experts on the mind, on getting people off the ‘must save money’ engram.”

“Look, Rep. Karen Bass knows because Tom Cruise told her so. She knows that that a man’s walking down the street, he’s picked up, he’s taken down to a spaceship, he’s laid in a bunk, he’s strapped down, given an injection. A speaker-phone starts going yap-yap-yap at him, indoctrinates him as a member of the crew, wipes out all former memory, works him over in general and he’s now part of the navy. Get the idea? It goes down to total no-determinism, the engrams of the human races in all times.”

“And Karen Bass wants to enact laws as Vice President that will make Scientology the law of the land. She just wants to help.”