After decades of insisting that the Psychs, the Illuminati, the Vatican, the CIA, and the Freemasons are engaged in a plot to steal Scientology’s Tech, David Miscavige is highly insulted by the fact that no looters anywhere in the world have made any attempts to steal Scientology’s Tech or even its e-meters.
“Looters are going after Apple phones, laptops, and tablets. They are stealing Gucci and other luxury brands! This is so insulting to we in Scientology that looters prefer MEST items over the Tech that would free them from their Reactive Minds,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.
“What has caused the looters to think less of Scientology?” Delusion asked. “It must be all the Black PR that has caused people to think we’re a malicious cult. Back in the day, an OT III pack was worth its weight in gold. Nowadays, however, the looters are all MEST beings and want wog luxury goods.”