Scientology to Quick Freeze Scientologists in a Glycol-Alcohol Mixture


Secret Scientology Super Power Process 9A: The Quick Freeze

1. Following full body immersion in the Soap Tank, the steam catapult hurls the Scientologist fifty through the air like a greased pig straight into the Water Wall for final rinse.

2. Once this pre-cleaning process is finished, the parishioner is zapped by a beam, whereupon, he or she is conveyed into the Glycol Alcohol Freezer Unit in preparation for long distance transport to a faraway location.

“This merciless and unforgiving ecclesiastical machine,” Dr. David Miscavige noted, “is astonishingly supernatural in its exact effects upon the thetan. Thus, it serves my wholetrack purposes to handle Scientologists and their group engram.”


While many Scientologists complained about being packaged and frozen in a 60/40 mixture of glycol-alcohol (which preparation is guaranteed to pick up a thetan), in the end all of the Scientologists signed over their remaining assets, released the Church from all liabilities, and
whimperingly complied with Command Intention.

“COB realizes this is a steep ethics gradient,” said Ken Delusion, one of the few who remained behind in an unfrozen state to assist COB. “However, it’s the only way COB can handle the group engram.”

“Now all that remains to do is to load the frozen thetans into our fleet of 747 spaceplanes for transport to the principal volcanoes of Earth. The volcanoes will do the rest of the work for free — and in an environmentally friendly matter. We in Scientology are striving to minimize our carbon footprint in this particular Super Power terminal process.”


2 replies »

  1. A long journey through the Van Allen belt thaws out the disoriented frozen meat bodies now ready to begin their 1 billion year RPF on Target Two. When Commodore Miscaviage quotes membership numbers, he is including the millions of transplanted ecclesiastical workers on Target Two. They labor day and night expanding the Ideal Org concept to new corners of the galaxy exempt from the burdensome child labor and enurement laws found on Teegeeak.


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