“It was freak accident,” declared Ken Delusion. “Mr. Miscavige’s right wrist and forearm became entangled in the helium balloons when they were released. The bantamweight Mr. Miscavige was suddenly swept heavenward by the force of the helium balloons and powerful gusts of wind.”

“When our telephoto lenses last photographed him, Mr. Miscavige was being attacked by wild birds.”

“Mr. Miscavige’s whereabouts are presently unknown. He was last spotted drifting north over the Missouri River towards Avondale,” Delusion reported.

“A reward of $500 is being offered to anyone who spots COB floating and calls the  Kansas City Ideal Org. We wish we could offer more reward money, but Scientology has such heavy legal expenses these days,” lamented Delusion.