1972: L. Ron Hubbard was on the bridge of his flagship Apollo. The ship was somewhere off the coast of Las Palmas in the Canary Islands. The sky was blue and the ocean air fresh and warm as the ship cut through smooth waters at a leisurely 12 knots. Ron pulled a Kool cigarette from its package. I held up my Zippo lighter. He turned to me, lit up his Kool, and stared.

“Who the hell are you and what are you doing on my ship?” he demanded.

“Ron, I’m from the future. From 2019 to be precise.”

Ron smiled a very broad smile. “From the future in 2019 you say? So this means that Earth became a Scientology planet; the Orgs are booming with billions of members; and OT’s are now time traveling!”

“Well, no. It’s not like that at all Ron,” I said. “In fact it’s quite the opposite. Scientology is in the worst shape ever in 2019. Stats have crashed internationally and people are blowing at incredible rates. Society views Scientology as an evil criminal cult. There is also widespread joking and degrading about Scientology.”

“What caused this?” the Commodore asked grimly as he inhaled his Kool.

“Ron, your polices are brutal. Scientology is greedy, punitive, and it destroys people.”

“That’s a wrong why!” Ron bellowed. “A completely wrong why! You obviously stowed away on this vessel to enturbulate Scientology!” he roared as he dashed off a note and handed it to a messenger.

“If you’re really from the future,” Ron challenged, “then tell me what I have planned for 1973!”

“Well Ron,” I whispered, “You’re going to go back to America for a year with just two of your aides and a suitcase full of cash. Once there, you’re going to write a new GO program you’ve already hatched in your mind. You have already decided to name it Program Snow White and it’s about systematic burglar….”

“Shhh! Ron ordered as he placed his big meaty paw over my mouth. “Okay, you’re from the future. I can have that. Two questions: When do I die? What caused Scientology to fail?”

“I can’t tell you when you die as that would interfere with the future. As for Scientology’s failure, it happened because an SP took over Scientology.”

“Was it a Psych?”

“No. It will be someone from within the Sea Org.”

Ron grimaced. “Two more questions: Do I make a lot more money than I have now? Do I ever get sent to prison?”

“Ron, you never get sent to prison, and, you will make a gigantic amount of money in the future. It will be so much more than you have now, certainly much more than you can even imagine!”

Ron beamed with pleasure. “So I never get sent to prison; I become incredibly wealthy; and I die with all the money?”

“Correct.”

“Splendid!” Ron enthused. “That’s the best a thetan can ask from life!” Ron then turned and said, “Boys, please show the gentleman from the future how we handle people like him in present time!”

Suddenly I was seized by several hulking Sea Org brutes including Captain Bill Robertson. The men carried me to the stern of the ship where I was unceremoniously overboarded.

I watched the Apollo steam off towards the horizon as I treaded water. What a strange encounter I thought. Soon, a Fifth Invader Force saucer dipped down to fetch me from the Atlantic. The saucer entered the traversable wormhole, the Stargate, and returned me to Los Feliz in 2019.

I can’t tell you where the Stargate is in Los Feliz because it’s a big secret. But it’s here along with a lot of other exotic stuff.