“Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion claimed that while he was taking an evening walk by himself in Clearwater he was attacked by two psychiatrists who jumped him in an alley from behind a dumpster,” said Chief Daniel Slaughter.
“Mr. Delusion stated that the two masked psychiatrists jabbed a hypodermic syringe into his heart in an attempt to give him an embolism. They masked attackers then shocked the Scientology official with 110V current. Whereupon, the two assailants screamed ‘This is Ritalin Country! Scientology will be destroyed!’ before disappearing into the night.”
“The Clearwater PD takes all such matters seriously and we have launched a massive investigation into this unprecedented attack upon a Scientology minister who works daily to save humanity from the scourge of misunderstood words, malicious punctuation, and the persistent and corrosive atmosphere of generalized entheta that pervades all sectors of our environment resulting in a departure from the ideal scene.”
The Church of Scientology stated that Ken Delusion was recuperating at the Flag Land Base and that this attack was yet another reason why all properties in Downtown Clearwater needed to be sold to the Church immediately so that an Oasis of Total Safety for all Scientologists could be created in at least one area of the planet.
Church authorities denied that its latest move to control all of Downtown Clearwater had anything to do with Captain Miscavige and Tom Cruise moving to Downtown Clearwater on a permanent basis.
YES! Only Scientology can save the world from evil semi-colons! COB will administer a severe beating to every staff member who uses semi-colons!
Regular use of semicolons is a perfectly normal and healthy activity; they will not cause blindness nor hirsute palms. Those are silly myths that have been medically discredited and are a product of a repressive and bygone era. But like anything; semicolons should only be used at the appropriate time and not to excess or they can stimulate past life engrams; which will need extensive auditing to remove;
Well this report is certainly a timely reminder that we Scientologists are continually ever so grateful for the efforts of Capt’n Fleet Admiral Mr. David Miscavige for singlehandedly saving the Tech (©®™$θ) from utter destruction by implementing GAT II (©®™$θ) so we could all re-do our Bridge to Total Freedom (©®™$θ) yet again to attain the unprecedented spiritual gains hitherto unknown to Mankind. I feel so inspired I’m going to do whatever I can to come up with a little scratch to donate to the IAS so that they can continue to fund vital law enforcement causes like the Clearwater PD.