Church of Scientology to Open 1000 McDonald’s Franchises

MCDs
“In a desperate and clutching last-ditch attempt to recruit new members, the Church of Scientology today announced that it would be opening 1,000 McDonald’s franchises in key cities across the world,” announced Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“The new recruitment program is called ‘Ideal McScientology’ and will replace the colossally failed Ideal Org program. Each Ideal McScientology restaurant will feature signage in which the Scientology and McDonald’s names and logos will be co-branded in a bold and exciting new fusion of fast food and religion.”

“The McScientology restaurants will offer the same menu as offered by standard McDonald’s but will also sell 12.5 hour intensives of auditing along with introductory courses in the “TR’s & Locationals Area” of the restaurants.

“What McDonald’s is to food,” said spokesman Ken Delusion, “Scientology is to religion. So come by today and ‘Theta-size’ your Big Mac combo meal with a 12.5 hour intensive of GAT II auditing or even a basic Comm course!”

5 responses to “Church of Scientology to Open 1000 McDonald’s Franchises

  1. whostolemycog

    This explains Ronald McDonald’s appearance at last week’s Flag graduation…presenting Class VII auditor, New OT VIII, and the new face of Scientology…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Instead of the sign saying “billions served”, at Scientology restaurants the sign will say “billions STOLEN”.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Fantastic news!!!! This is just such a natural fit. The long lunch lines at McDonalds remind me of the long lines at the Reg’s office as eager public crowd around demanding the Tech. Ronald himself (not to be confused with Ron) seems like the Ideal Body Router!!!!! The grill area is like an auditing room where Raw Meat wogs get transformed into something much more palatable: Homo Novis super-sized beings. The children’s play area is not unlike a Standard Scientology course room where students are busy drilling and talking to dolls and ashtrays. The backroom dishwashing area is quite similar to a visit to the Ethics Officer where errant customers can get their shit cleaned up. Nothing like getting hosed and hosed off I say!!!!! In the McDonalds washrooms, there is plenty of toilet paper. Just as in a typical Scientology Ideal Org, there are stacks of TWTH pamphlets that allow one to take care of any necessary paperwork after a disgusting meat sack bowel movement (personally, I hate the glossy versions). One other side benefit for McDonalds staff: instead of the periodic mandatory polygraph tests, they will now have access to the latest in spiritual technology, the Mark VIII Super Easy Bake E-meter. No more Withholds un-pulled like secretly liking a Wendy’s Frosty more than a McDonalds chocolate shake. All staff with be clean as a whistle and producing. GIs, VGIs & VVGIs and F/Ns all around, JUST LIKE A SCIENTOLOGY ORG. How cool is that. Wins for everyone!!!! Now if McDonalds will just start serving Kool-Aid!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Will the IAS be represented by the Hamburglar?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. What a wonderful way to get people to stop eating fast food.

    Like

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