We in RTC checked our 1988 set of World Book encyclopedias in the basement and found that Major League Baseball began broadcasting on TV in 1947. Arriving on cable in 2017, then, Scientology comes to TV only a scant 70 Earth years after American baseball made its debut.

And even now we are hedging our bets by purchasing time on Spectrum, the big cable company that offers hundreds of channels, 10,000+ On Demand choices, and 1,500+ HD choices. Sure, Scientology might get lost in the 12,000 offerings available on Spectrum, but COB wants to do television gradiently and not rush into things.

Scientology waited so long because we were suspicious that “tele-vision” was actually a Marcab device that implanted mental image pictures into populations and thus aberrated entire planets and civilizations. Moreover, COB has always been suspicious of all of those flashy TV executives in their shiny silk suits and fancy designer sunglasses always wanting “pitch meetings” where they talk about “Star Trek” being “Bonanza in Outer Space.” COB can’t think with that dat-uh.

What COB needed and wanted answered is this: How can TV raise Scientology’s gross income and counter the oceans of entheta created by the haters and bigots out here who choose to attack Scientology because they have nothing better to do? That’s what COB needed to hear and didn’t. And so that’s why he opened his tightly guarded little Versace change purse and threw a few shekels on the table to set up SMP.

As we in RTC have been promising, the inaugural SMP broadcast will feature global religious leasers the Messrs. Miscavige and Farrakhan ranting about the Psychs, vaccinations, public schools, and yes, the goddamned internet and what a piece of obscene filthy garbage the entire internet is and why it should be utterly destroyed and outlawed by the good and decent people of the world as part of planetary clearing.