Fleet Admiral David Miscavige today confirmed that Russian hackers were responsible for Scientology’s terrible reputation.
“Vladimir Putin is behind the plot to destroy Scientology,” said the Fleet Admiral. “Putin is doing this because Scientology is expanding so fast in Russia that Putin and his Russian oligarch pals are threatened. SP’s hate anyone getting better with Scientology. These Russian crims don’t want Russia to get better.”
“Putin and his SP Commie pals will all be terminatedly handled,” Fleet Admiral Miscavige assured Scientologists, “just as soon as we raise $500,000,000 in cash to build a new television studio where we can produce educational programming to inform the public of what is happening.”
“We can’t use Scientology Media Productions to make any programming because its camera was broken last week. OSA has 100% certainty that the Russians sabotaged the SMP camera by devious means.”