Fleet Admiral David Miscavige today confirmed that Russian hackers were responsible for Scientology’s terrible reputation.
“Vladimir Putin is behind the plot to destroy Scientology,” said the Fleet Admiral. “Putin is doing this because Scientology is expanding so fast in Russia that Putin and his Russian oligarch pals are threatened. SP’s hate anyone getting better with Scientology. These Russian crims don’t want Russia to get better.”
“Putin and his SP Commie pals will all be terminatedly handled,” Fleet Admiral Miscavige assured Scientologists, “just as soon as we raise $500,000,000 in cash to build a new television studio where we can produce educational programming to inform the public of what is happening.”
“We can’t use Scientology Media Productions to make any programming because its camera was broken last week. OSA has 100% certainty that the Russians sabotaged the SMP camera by devious means.”
Categories: OTVIIIisGrrr8!
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 
This new “Charge of The Light Brigade” will be handled by your Xmas IAS donation, which you WILL do at this weekends fun event at your local org, call for reservations, seats are limited (not bloody likely!)
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The Russians are also the reason there is no toilet paper in the ideal orgs! Their spies sneak in and steal the toilet paper from the stalls! This is as reported by XNN, the Xenu News Network!
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The big difference between America and Scientology is that President Trump has protected us from the Russians by negotiating a deal with Vladimir Putin. Vlad gets a three-way with Melania and Ivanka (Donnie get to watch) and in return, no more hacking. Fleet Admiral Miscavige has offered Kirstie Alley and Karin Pouw but so far, the phone is silent.
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