When it was announced on live television that Donald Trump had won the US presidential election, billions of people around the world immediately collapsed into alternating bouts of uncontrollable rage, sobbing, and abject despair — this was particularly true of celebrities in Hollywood and New York.
In response to this unprecedented humanitarian crisis, Scientology churches immediately began offering emergency crisis auditing to handle engrams caused by Donald Trump.
The Trump Crisis Rundown is priced according to the severity of a person’s Trump engrams:
Categories: OTVIIIisGrrr8!
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 
And people slander Scientology for not helping or caring…this is evidence that nothing could be further from the truth.
Outreach Programs –
We will continue to muster up yellow shirted Volunteer Ministers to pass out copies of TWTH at large community rallies like those we witnessed in the streets of several large urban centers last night.
If you’d like to join us, just show up at the Philly, Chicago, New York, or Los Angeles Ideal Org tonight just before dark.
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Yes, and the Volunteer Ministers will also be administering special Touch Assists to attractive females who feel left out because The Donald hasn’t personally administered his own special style of Touch Assist. He’s a busy man and we don’t want anyone to feel disenfranchised.
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LRH did say something about using Tic Tacs for touch assists.
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We in Scientology care so very deeply that we had our private investigators follow home every Hillary voter who came to vote at Big Blue. That we had to peek at everyone’s votes is only fair exchange as we were actually allowing the raw unwashed wog public to vote in our Org. God how we hated it.
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Wait, isn’t Trump the reincarnation of LRH? LRH said that he would come back as a politician about 20 years after his death. Trump’s interest in Obama’s passport in 2011 shows that a thetan had entered his body, disorienting him and leading him to become a fascist.
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We in RTC aren’t making any public statements at this time.
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