The World’s First Scientology OT X Completion!


Noelle North, the World’s First OT X

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige today announced that octogenarian Scientologist and OSA Subway sandwich operative Noelle North has become the world’s first OT X completion. This stupendous event occurred when Noelle North reached the EP of OT X by spontaneously morphing into an advanced and super-intelligent extraterrestrial being possessed of superhuman powers and perfect recall of the last four quadrillion years.

The news of the first OT X completion was met with great rage in the outer heavy gravity planets of our solar system.


“It has come to my attention,” declared Supreme Emperor  Evisserppus VI of the Psychlo Confederation, “that OT X’s are approaching we Psychlo’s in mental and telepathic power!”

“OT X’s can go exterior and spy on our psychotronic CIA FB Black Ops. This means OT X’s can expose our plans for world domination via Psych drugs, rap, global capitalism, and R6 implant religions on their incredibly dull and boring websites that no one reads,” roared Evisserppus VI.

“Xenu be praised,” added the Emperor, “for while they have Scientology Media Productions, these Scientologists can’t even manage to hire enough wogs to produce high quality content in abundance like our side does. We will win this war!”

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  1. After completing OT X, Scientologists gathered at Friday Graduation to hear Noelle North share her wins. A hush came over the crowd as a thing, possibly a woman, entered the room. Excitement tinged the air as she approached the podium, where Church spokesman Ken Delusion greeted her. Her head had humongous, pupilless eyes; two antennae waved above her brow. Her spindly legs didn’t lift her any higher than Ken Delusion’s shirt pocket.

    KEN DELUSION: “We are delighted to have you here, Ms. North.”
    KEN DELUSION: “I want to personally thank and acknowledge you for completing OT X.”
    KEN DELUSION: “You have always done such a great job of spreading the wins of scientology worldwide. OT X is the foundation upon which a new civilization can be built.”
    KEN DELUSION (pointing to a man in the audience who had just raised his hand): “Yes, do you have a question for our honored guest?”
    MAN (now pointing at Ms. North): “She must be some foreigner. Can’t she speak English?”

    With that, Ms. North rummaged inside a pocket of her smock-like garment, and produced some coils and tubes which she quickly assembled into an instrument. She plugged one end of it into a wall socket and aimed the other end—a megaphone of some sort—at Ken Delusion.

    KEN DELUSION: “That’s a funny-lookin’ contraption you’ve got there, but heck, I’ve seen MP3 players that were better. That thing doesn’t even play.”

    Ms. North twiddled a few more knobs.

    KEN DELUSION: “That didn’t do a bit of good. I can’t understand a single word you’re saying.”

    With that, Ms. North beamed, her antennae waving in excitement as she turned a small dial sharply to the right. Soon, the phone responded.

    NOELLE NORTH (her lips not moving with the sound coming through the phone): “Then you speak plain English.”
    KEN DELUSION: “I do. If you do, then why didn’t you just do so from the start?”
    NOELLE NORTH: “It is considered an insult, vulgar and out-tech for an OT X to use elementary English. Can’t you encipher what I’ve been saying?”
    KEN DELUSION: “I can’t.”
    NOELLE NORTH: “As we communicate, an OT X can decipher and encipher. It’s instantaneous and without effort grammatically correct.”
    KEN DELUSION: “Ms. North, the audience and I are eager for you to share your success the result of OT X. What message do you bring for us?”
    NOELLE NORTH: “Subway, eat fresh!”

    (Inspired, in part, by the novelette, The Crossroads, by L. Ron Hubbard, published in the magazine, Unknown, February 1, 1941.)

    Liked by 1 person

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