Welcome to the Church of Scientology.
You have made a very wise decision to improve yourself through the use of Scientology’s highly effective spiritual technology.
Scientology’s highly secret spiritual technology will allow you to start where you are now — a filthy, ignorant, and diseased wog controlled by your reactive mind — and move on up to Clear and then to the summit of the OT levels where Tom Cruise, me, and all of the other glamorous Scientology celebrities dwell.
When you become an OT VIII like Tom Cruise, you will be higher and mightier than Jesus Christ.
“But how can this happen?” you ask. “How can I be greater than Jesus Christ?”
We will tell you the secret: Scientology’s electropsychometer, or “e-meter” as we call it, will probe the deepest recesses of your prurient, festering, and filthy self-absorbed mind, thereby relieving you of your hidden evil purposes and the vast reservoir of guilty secrets that lay hidden just beneath the surface.
We know what makes you tick and it is not good.
The e-meter is your friend and so is your auditor. Likewise, all of us in the Church of Scientology are your friends.
We care so very deeply about you.
It is for this reason that you must, while in the recorded sessions with your auditor, unreservedly confess to us all of your horrible crimes and sins in order to free yourself.
For example, we must know the intimate details of your secret drug-fueled masturbatory orgies. What detestable fantasies run through your head during these assuredly self-hating bouts of onanism?
And what of embezzlement, grand theft, or any other felonies you have committed and do not want the authorities to discover? We need to know the details of just exactly what you did, how you got away with it, and how much money is involved. Please be assured we can certainly make “problem money” go away very quickly thereby relieving you of any undue concerns.
As for your current marriage or primary relationship: If the other person is not a Scientologist, or is not willing to promptly become a Scientologist, why then they must be gotten rid of immediately. Drive them from your life now! If needed, we are quite proficient at helping make these hateful anti-Scientologists go away and even disappear. The same applies to any of your friends who are not friendly to Scientology. We are very friendly. As Scientologists, however, we simply do not care to associate ourselves with Suppressive Persons (SP’s).
You must help us help you. You must never try to hide anything from us. You must never keep any secrets from us or attempt to hide any money from us. You must never run away from us and make us come after you because we will.
Please do not confuse our intense love and affection for stalking. For instance, if you come to home to find your fellow Scientologists conducting a detailed inspection of your residence and possessions, you need not be alarmed. We are simply acting in your best interest by taking away from you those possessions we feel could harm you. Such possessions include, but are not limited to, computers, laptops, cellphones, tablets, pads, and all other devices capable of connecting to the internet or placing calls to your so-called family and friends.
You will be precisely indoctrinated in order to achieve the absolute state of spiritual enlightenment. This is achieved by a strict monastic regimen of painful and soul-rending confession, malnourishment, beatings, and sleep deprivation. While this intense monastic regime results in alternating states of giddy euphoria and abject self-debasement, we assure you this only a temporary state. Indeed, when the “extreme crisis phase” of this exalted spiritual state reaches its climax, the reactive mind rather unexpectedly and permanently shatters and you lose all sense of ordinary reality and you are suddenly more yourself than you’ve ever been for four quadrillion years. You instantly “Go Clear” and become a good and dutiful Scientologist ready to obey our every command.
This completes your “Welcome to the Church of Scientology” Level 1.
Captain David Miscavige is the world’s foremost expert in onanism (masturbation) and SCOHB!! Join $cientology and you will become an expert in these things too!!
The happy face on that long-haired scientologist at their Pleasure Palace in Clearwater, Florida, is enough proof that I, Jenny Linson DeVocht, need to sign another Billion Year contract. Here’s to the Sea Org (that blissful, carefree religious retreat where scientologists worldwide venture to get closer to Source)! Here’s to Int Land Base outside Hemet, California (the Happiest Place on Teegeeack, where dreams really do come true). Say, have I mentioned yet that I have a new roommate in “The Hole”? Monique “Ding-a-Ling” Yingling!
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