Church of Scientology to Guard the World’s Bathrooms from the Transgender Menace!


“Just as we in the Church of Scientology guard the world from suppressive persons (SP’s), psychiatry, and psych drugs, we will now be guarding the bathrooms of the world from the transgender menace,” announced Scientology Imperial Grand Emperor Mr. David Miscavige.

“We in Scientology view lesbianism, homosexuality, bisexuality, and transgenderism as aberrated 1.1 deviant conduct curable only by an uncompromising and brutal $360,000 course of Scientology auditing delivered in one of our thousands of gleaming Ideal Orgs.”

“The Scientology Bathroom Police are being deployed to the bathrooms of the world beginning this week in all major cities. Our Scientology Bathroom Police will be ‘checking packages,’ so to speak,  as people enter a bathroom. We will not allow:

    • Transgendered men to use women’s bathrooms.
    • Transgendered women to use men’s bathrooms.
    • Cruising in bathrooms.
    • Selfies to be taken in bathrooms.
    • Acts of ungodly masturbation to occur in dark bathroom stalls.
    • Club sex to occur in club bathrooms.
    • Foot-tapping or other covert forms of soliciting.
    • Loud talking on cellphones while seated in a stall. That is just plain rude.
    • Business deals to occur in bathrooms unless Scientology gets a cut of the action.

The only approved bathroom reading materials will be The Way to Happiness!

We in the Church of Scientology strongly believe that people are defined by only two things: Their money and their genitals — and that is all we are interested in. If we in Scientology can control your money and your genitals then we own you.

The Scientology Bathroom Police

                               The Scientology Bathroom Police

5 replies »

  1. You win, J. You are officially the world’s most satirically hilarious SP on this and any other planet in this entire solar system. You are funnier than a Venusian freight train. All hail, my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

    • We’re so glad you mentioned this Lars. Only criminal out exchange freeloaders want free toilet paper. For this reason, the Scientology Bathroom Police will be selling RTC-approved toilet paper to end users for $1.00 USD per two-ply sheet.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. As the SBP I/C (“Scientology Bathroom Police In-Charge”), it is my duty to protect the thousands of our Ideal Orgs Water Closets from undeclared packages… except for mine, that is. Finally, a Sea Org post big enough to house my galaxy-sized gonads!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. >The only approved bathroom reading materials will be The Way to Happiness!

    It’s printed on soft paper and makes excellent toilet paper! It’s Emperor Miscavige’s favorite!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.