“Just as we in the Church of Scientology guard the world from suppressive persons (SP’s), psychiatry, and psych drugs, we will now be guarding the bathrooms of the world from the transgender menace,” announced Scientology Imperial Grand Emperor Mr. David Miscavige.

“We in Scientology view lesbianism, homosexuality, bisexuality, and transgenderism as aberrated 1.1 deviant conduct curable only by an uncompromising and brutal $360,000 course of Scientology auditing delivered in one of our thousands of gleaming Ideal Orgs.”

“The Scientology Bathroom Police are being deployed to the bathrooms of the world beginning this week in all major cities. Our Scientology Bathroom Police will be ‘checking packages,’ so to speak,  as people enter a bathroom. We will not allow:

• Transgendered men to use women’s bathrooms.
• Transgendered women to use men’s bathrooms.
• Cruising in bathrooms.
• Selfies to be taken in bathrooms.
• Acts of ungodly masturbation to occur in dark bathroom stalls.
• Club sex to occur in club bathrooms.
• Foot-tapping or other covert forms of soliciting.
• Loud talking on cellphones while seated in a stall. That is just plain rude.
• Business deals to occur in bathrooms unless Scientology gets a cut of the action.

The only approved bathroom reading materials will be The Way to Happiness!

We in the Church of Scientology strongly believe that people are defined by only two things: Their money and their genitals — and that is all we are interested in. If we in Scientology can control your money and your genitals then we own you.

                               The Scientology Bathroom Police