Date 29 Feb 2016
From: Bart Dixslurper, Esq
To: The Underground Bunker
Re: Billboard

My office has just been informed of malign plans to cause to be erected in Hollywood a billboard attacking Scientology’s ecclesiastical policy of Disconnection.

First, and more to the point, the Church of Scientology does not practice Disconnection. On the contrary, Disconnection is a personal choice made by Scientologists and the Church has nothing to do with it.

Disconnection is a last resort that may be used by a Scientologist when all other remedies to bring a person to their senses have failed and that person keeps attacking Scientology. So for example, say I liked poisonous snakes, and I do like poisonous snakes and keep a large private collection of them in my home and office. But then let’s say you do not like poisonous snakes and you keep pestering me endlessly about my collection of poisonous snakes and how dangerous my poisonous snakes are and you just keep enturbulating me and blathering on and on and on.

Well, I have two choices. I can handle you on poisonous snakes until you are okay with me owning and keeping a very large collection of poisonous snakes, even the one’s in my bedroom. It is, after all, my God given right to keep a massive hoard of poisonous snakes. It is my God given right to enjoy feeding my snakes rabbits. It is my God given right to watch my snakes kill and eat dozens of rabbits each day. It is none of your business if I take great and exquisite pleasure in watching savage nature take it’s toll on rabbits. I hate rabbits and they deserve to be killed eaten and this is part of my religion as a snake worshiper.

Nor is it your business if I maintain a large rabbit breeding farm in my home and backyard to support and feed my large poisonous snake collection. The smell of a large captive rabbit population does not bother me and so it should not bother you.

If you have a problem with my all-consuming, financially draining, and potentially deadly preoccupation with poisonous snakes and their eating of dozens of rabbits each day then I will disconnect from you and you cannot be my friend; not that I have friends or even want friends. And this is really the entire point of disconnection: It is no one’s business if my client, the Church of Scientology, discourages its members from having any contact with their wog families or friends. And nowhere is this more true than with Sea Org members. Sea Org members are here to clear the planet. This is why Sea Org members are only allowed to talk to approved and non-suppressive family by phone every few years while MAA’s listen in to the call.

The larger and more elementary point is this: Any Scientologist who is not 1000% committed to Scientology is off purpose, counter-intentioned, and SCOHB. Dedicated Scientologists are not interested in talking to anyone — men, women, children, extraterrestrials, Catholics, Jews, LGBT, Raelians, Mormons, Cthulhuites, or anyone else that does not share an extreme and fanatical 1000% commitment to Scientology.

No amount of billboards will stop Scientology.

We will also sue everyone on this horrible planet if this billboard goes up because it is so very highly offensive. And billboard or no billboard, someday I will lose my shit altogether and unleash my poisonous snakes upon the world as well. However, my peculiar psychopathology is not the proper subject of this missive ordered by Mr. Miscavige so just forget I even said it until you are in bed at night wondering if I am in the bushes outside your window with my snakes.

All rights reserved.

Sincerely,

Bart Dixslurper, Esq