Aged sixty-six and suffering from heart disease, shortness of breath, a bad back, and memory loss, the Church of Scientology was rushed to the emergency room after suddenly passing out during its one of its many fundraisers.
“The Church has already experienced several crippling panic attacks in the past two years,” said Dr. Shirley Dye of the Hollywood Religious Hospital.
“This time, however, the Church’s condition is far more serious. Diagnostic tests indicate the Church desperately needs a heart transplant if it is to survive.”
“However, the big problem the Church faces is in finding a big black evil heart to replace its own failing big black evil heart.”
“This is not easy,” declared Dr. Dye. “The only two viable organ donors — Saddam Hussein and Muammar Gaddafi — are both dead.”
“Auditing is absolutely out of the question,” noted Dr. Dye. “The Church’s O/W’s are decades-deep and so massive as to be inoperable; any attempt to audit would result in a series of such convulsive and monumental Richter-scale rockslams that we would lose the patient.”
The Church of Scientology remains in the intensive care unit of the Hollywood Religious Hospital. Financial donations to the David Miscavige Legal Defense Fund are requested in lieu of flowers.