Church of Scientology Needs Heart Transplant

scientology_stageAged sixty-six and suffering from heart disease, shortness of breath, a bad back, and memory loss, the Church of Scientology was rushed to the emergency room after suddenly passing out during its one of its many fundraisers.

“The Church has already experienced several crippling panic attacks in the past two years,” said Dr. Shirley Dye of the Hollywood Religious Hospital.

“This time, however, the Church’s condition is far more serious. Diagnostic tests indicate the Church desperately needs a heart transplant if it is to survive.”

“However, the big problem the Church faces is in finding a big black evil heart to replace its own failing big black evil heart.”

“This is not easy,” declared Dr. Dye. “The only two viable organ donors — Saddam Hussein and   Muammar Gaddafi — are both dead.”

“Auditing is absolutely out of the question,” noted Dr. Dye. “The Church’s O/W’s are decades-deep and so massive as to be inoperable; any attempt to audit would result in a series of such convulsive and monumental Richter-scale rockslams that we would lose the patient.”

The Church of Scientology remains in the intensive care unit of the Hollywood Religious Hospital. Financial donations to the David Miscavige Legal Defense Fund are requested in lieu of flowers.


8 replies »

  1. Word has it that Senior Case Supervisor West US, Andres Rodriguez, has exteriorized from his mental coma.
    He was found writing endless success stories about his escape from The Prison of Belief when he got the news.
    Immediately he rushed to the emergency room and convinced the psych influenced MDs that the he would take care of the patient, whereupon he wrote a concise C/S:

    No babywatching procedures, No Introspection R/D, No artificial coma, just one simple and effective procedure: Mercy Killing by R2-45.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m not a doctor, nor have I played one on television, but maybe a second opinion is in order. I feel the church is suffering from a spastic colon and is in dire need of a fecal transplant. Everyone should send stool samples directly to Capt. David Miscavige for analysis and examination. Please do not drop them off at your local Ideal Org, send them to Dave.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. We saw the church last week and immediately knew something was terribly wrong. It exhibited signs of advanced dementia, unsure of what it was, where it had been, or even where it was going. It mumbled imcomprehensively about clearly going or maybe it was going clear. The church was truly a mixed up and disheveled mess, a shell of its ideal self.

    Perhaps most striking was the lack of anything covering its rear end. Yes, the church’s foul dirty ass was on display, as it was for the duration of 2015.

    We considered using this lack of covering to suggest the immediate injection of moderate to heavy doses of vistaril, knowing this was the preferred medication of the founder in his time of need and it seems what ailed the founder now ails his church.

    Psychotic delusional dimentia must be tamed until a donor heart can be found.

    Call 1-800-VISTARIL to donate. The need is urgent. Let’s get the church the help it needs. With the delusions at bay, we can give it a bath and a new pair of pants.

    Liked by 1 person

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