Pope David Miscavige Announces Scientology Holistic Indulgence Technology

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“Continuing on his historic Man of the People Tour, Scientology Pope David Miscavige today addressed a packed house of twenty-three people at the Odd Fellows Temple in Truckee, California.

“Pope Miscavige chose the picturesque Odd Fellows Temple to make an announcement of such epic and historic proportions that it will remembered as the most pivotal day in the entire history of the world eclipsing even the Moon landing and the invention of fire, the wheel, and the arch,” declared Papal envoy Monsignor Ken Delusion.

“Pope Miscavige’s epic announcement is Scientology Holistic Indulgence Technology.”

“Scientology Holistic Indulgence Technology allows a person to do whatever they want and still be completely forgiven by the Church of Scientology on a wholetrack basis: past, present, and future.”

“Scientology Holistic Indulgence Technology addresses the entire thetan: The genetic entity, BT’s, engrams, implants, ridges, flows, stuck points, fixations, held down sevens, theetie-wheetieness, dilettantism, and even the rampant spectatorism that afflicts the Church. No matter your ruin, crime, overt, or withhold, Scientology Holistic Indulgence Technology will handle it.”

“With Scientology Holistic Indulgence Technology packages beginning as low $2,500,000, spiritual freedom is closer than ever before in the entire agonized history of Scientology.”

“At last and finally under the guidance of Pope Miscavige, the Church of Scientology can now be said to be completely full of Scientology Holistic Indulgence Technology,” enthused Monsignor Delusion.

9 responses to “Pope David Miscavige Announces Scientology Holistic Indulgence Technology

  1. COB, would you vote for a wog for President of the US?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Does this mean we can stay in the country this time without having to be dashed off to another crappy country that resists extradition until the statute of limitations kicks in? Totally worth a 1/4 mil in my thetan’s area. Another $cientology win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Shorter version: Pope David Miscavige Announces S.H.I.T.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. In light of recent politics, given how supremely ecclesiastical Pope Miscavige is, and given how Donald Trump is trying to woo evangelical voters, I think there’s a natural tie-up possible. I would have to believe that some sort of partnership with Trump to woo those Evangelicals who like his bullying style would serve to recruit millions more to Scientology. After all, while Trump has some pretty good “confront and shatter”, he couldn’t hold a candle to His Supreme Ecclesiasticalness, Captain David Miscavige in that department. So if they like Trump, they ought to love COB!

    It ought to go way better than that really dumb Nation of Islam deal.

    Like

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