Tiger Woods announced today that he has become a Scientologist after humanitarian Tom Cruise reached out to him at the scene of his recent accident.

“It was amazing!” said Tiger Woods. “I was staggering down the road and suddenly Tom Cruise appeared to help me! Tom immediately flew me in his private jet to Scientology’s exclusive Narconon Ojai!

“Tom Cruise is a Super OT!”

When asked about details of Narconon, Scientology spokesperson Ken Delusion explained, “Tiger will spend 12 hours a day in the sauna, ingest 50,000 grams of niacin each day, and immerse himself in the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard on his way to a new sober life in Scientology as a Scientologist!”

“We in Scientology will have Tiger Woods sober in no time!” declared COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige who is himself a paragon of sobriety.”