In his efforts to make Scientology more affordable than ever, David Miscavige today announced the launch of Temu Scientology, the centerpiece of which is an $8.88 e-meter.

“This new Temu e-meter is intended to attract budget-minded conspiracy theorists and other frugal cultists into Scientology,” declared Scientology spokesman Mr. Ken Delusion.

Delusion emphasized that, “Our goal is to grow the membership of Scientology by offering an affordable version of the Tech to penny-pinchers and tightwads. Some people just can’t see the eternal value of Scientology and therefore place more importance on ridiculous and wild-eyed superstitions such as saving and investing money.

“Our research indicates that over 85% of these conspiracy theorists and frugal cultists have spent $19.95 on Ouija boards and that the Ouija board is their main working tool to access the fourth-dimensional spiritual quantum universe.

“The problem with the Ouija board is that while it can summon the dead and malign entities such as Zozo, the Ouija Board does not allow end users to exorcise and permanently expel these entities as does the e-meter.

“Granted, the new Temu e-meter can only locate and expel about 1,000 body thetans before parasitic leakage pushes its power consumption to over one million watts whereupon the unit catches fire and explodes.

“However, Mr. Miscavige feels that once people experience blowing off some of their BT’s they will experience incredible case gain.

“As a consequence of case gain, these people will be very happy to purchase our standard $5,000 Ultra Mark VIII e-meter which can blow off millions of body thetans thanks to its advanced orgone accumulator architecture.

“Essentially, we will use the Temu e-meter to get these new Scientologists brainwashed and addicted to Scientology. This has long been our fundamental approach. We are just using a cheaper lure these days.”