Russian President Vladmir Putin and Scientology ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige made a joint appearance at the Kremlin today to announce a new cooperative program between the two paranoid, repressive, dictatorial-capitalist organizations.

“Russia is officially adopting Scientology’s Humanitarian Reeducation Programs” President Putin announced. “The beatings and e-meter interrogations will begin at once.”

“In return, Scientology has agreed to expend $10 million USD in hard cash from its IAS slush fund to purchase 2,500 Russian citizens for its Sea Organization.”

“These Russian citizens, a motley assortment of rabid Jehovah’s Witnesses, Falun Gong extremists, and the unwanted class of Amway financial predators have been deemed unfit to serve in our special military operation. However, they will fit in very well working in indentured servitude at the Flag Land Base Hotel in Clearwater.”

“Additionally,” Mr. Putin stated, “Scientology Emperor David Miscavige has been granted asylum in Moscow, a trump card he intends to play when things turn to shit for Scientology in early 2024.”