“Scientology is not sinking,” explained Scientologist Barry Minkcough of Passaic, New Jersey.

“Despite appearances to the contrary, Captain David Miscavige simply ordered a huge amount of ballast water pumped to the bow of the ship so that it would go underwater. This allowed for all of the Scientologists who want to go snorkeling to get into the water much easier than climbing down a rope ladder over the side of the ship.”

“No big deal,” Barry said. “I myself got into a lifeboat to practice lifeboat drills. Also, if something goes wrong I don’t want to get sucked down with the ship. I got a lot to live for. My dry cleaning business for example.”