FBI Director Christopher Wray today confirmed that the FBI’s elite Intergalactic Terrorist Space Unit (ITSU) has positively identified Space Lord Xenu as the creator and source of all conspiracy theories circulating on Earth.

“Conspiracy theories are all traceable to the 36 days of implanting to which all of the people Xenu nuked were subjected to,” Wray declared. “It’s all there in Scientology’s secret doctrine:

(1)  capture (being shot),
   (2)  freezing,
   (3)  transport to Teegeeack a/k/a Earth (sometimes via a Southwest Airlines,
   (4)  being placed near a volcano,
   (5)  beginning implant up to "the pilot",
   (6)  various picture sequences,
   (7)  the 7s and C.C. and OT II materials,
   (8)  36 days of picture implants which give a vast array of
        materials and three explanations for the bombing,
   (9)  transport to Hawaii or Las Palmas for packaging up into
        clusters.
   The pictures contain God, the Devil, angels, UFO's, election denialism, black helicopters, vaccines, the internet, Crypto, adrenochrome, the CIA, inflation, a British Monarchy who are actually shape-shifting reptilian aliens, and various scenes very like the modern world. You name it, it's in this implant  we call in its entirely "R6".

“An FBI raid on one of Xenu’s secret bases under California’s Mt. Shasta revealed a photo how Xenu implanted his victims over a 36 day span of watching live-streamed content in an implanting chamber colloquially referred to as a theater.”

“The live-streamed content was really shitty, depressing, and terrifying existential psycho-political and religious horror interlaced with pure absurdity, hedonism, and porn,” Director Wray said of the implants.

When Xenu’s victims reincarnated into human bodies they became Republicans, Democrats, Communists, Maoists, Atheists, Muslims, Christian Evangelicals, Capitalists, Russian Kleptocrats and every other form of human expression under the sun.”

“These warring camps now engage in hot wars; cold wars; insane religious wars; massive disinformation wars; and conspiracy theories. And it all traces back to the human race having been implanted by Xenu 75 million years ago. What Xenu did is quite diabolical.”

“Where this all ends is anybody’s guess,” Director Wray stated.

“We in the FBI had planned post on our official Twitter account to explain this all to the American people and the world at large. But now that Elon Musk has taken over Twitter, the Bureau refuses to pay that bastard $8.00 a month to keep our blue check!”