“We in the Church of Scientology have identified the exact WHY for the millions of failures in adult stem cell treatments. We know why these treatments do not work,” said Dr. Stayta Kleer, Director of Scientology’s Science Research Department.

“Adult stem cells are extracted from belly fat, or what is called ‘adipose tissue,'” explained Dr. Kleer. “And yet, as Dr. L. Ron Hubbard discovered, drug residues and toxins are stored in the fat of the human body.”

“Hence, adult stem cells contain all of the accumulated drugs, toxins, and heavy metals to which a person has been exposed in their entire lifetime. This is the WHY for all adult stem cell failures: Doctors are injecting toxic stem cells right back into body. These wog medicos are basically killing their patients without realizing it.”

“The good news is that the solution is as simple and easy as pie: Every person must do Scientology’s Purification Rundown before they can undergo stem cell treatment. The ‘Purif” flushes out all of the accumulated drugs, toxins, and heavy metals in a person’s body. The Purif is the answer to ensuring an optimal stem cell treatment.”

“Non-Scientologists naturally have questions. For example, what is the Purification Rundown?”

“On the Purif, a person will ingest megadoses of niacin, drink large quantities of vegetable oil, and choke down dozens of vitamin pills each day. This is done in conjunction with spending five hours a day in one’s underwear locked inside a dry sauna. The combination of niacin, oil, vitamins, and profuse sweating in the sauna results in all of the toxins being sweated out of one’s body.”

“The harsh pimple creams you used in high school will be flushed out along with the residuals of marijuana, LSD, Preparation H, NyQuil, cadmium, benzene, ammonium perchlorate, etc. The Purif will have you shitting like a Christmas goose; pissing like a racehorse; and sweating like a pig,” Dr. Kleer explained.

“Signs of bodily purification will turn on and a person will experience serious and terrifying heart palpitations, dizziness, and even hallucinations. All of this purificatory phenomena will pass in the several weeks it takes to complete the Purif,” Dr. Kleer assured the public.

“These apparently life-threatening medical experiences are more than offset by the gigantic bonus of being able to read Dianetics and other Scientology study materials while you’re locked in the sauna for five hours a day.”