Scientology leader David Miscavige began the new year protesting the ravages of advancing age and the acceleration of his physical, mental, and psychological plunge into decrepitude.

“The food they serve me in the RTC assisted living facility has no taste,” Miscavige complained. “I can’t remember anything — and I haven’t had a decent bowel movement since the Portland Crusade!” he kvetched.

Mr. Miscavige’s attorney Heinrich Leibermann asserted that Miscavige’s declining mental, physical, and emotional state is real and was not designed as a sham defense against the tsunami of lawsuits in which the Scientology Pontiff is drowning.