Michael Cohen to Enter the Very Crowded Scientology Rehab Center for Convicted Republicans

“The Scientology Rehab Center for convicted Republicans is overflowing these days,” declared Executive Director Ken Delusion.

“We in Scientology are the only group that can rehabilitate these criminals. We are the experts on the mind. We are the experts at brainwashing, at forced confessions, and at making the real problem cases disappear to the same place where… certain other people who also know too much are housed and kept… comfortably sedated.

“Life for convicted Republicans at the Scientology Rehab Center begins with 250 intensive nonstop hours — and we mean consecutive hours with no sleep — spent listening to the speeches of COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige while being force fed megadoses of niacin.

“Even the most hardened criminals usually crack by the 90th hour of this singularly horrific method. This is when they become sobbing, broken, and utterly compliant husks. Reduced to this catatonic state, we can begin working our special Scientology voodoo on them.

These bastards will reform or else!” Delusion screamed at the top of his lungs.

3 replies »

  1. It has been said that for criminal Republican politicians (and Republicans in general) that; “what would embarrass them would kill a normal man”. This is where LRH created gradient technology comes to the fore. It would be a yuuuge mistake to do a standard gut wrenching, sphincter cinching, bowel liquifying, ball busting, soul crushing, life extinguishing gang bang Sec Check because these crim bastards have not word cleared, demo-ed or clay tabled the word shame. Therefore they have no concept of the word shame and operate freely as white collar criminals cloaked as politicians.

    If 250 intensive nonstop hours spent listening to the speeches of Fleet Admiral COB RTC Mr. Capt’n David ‘Blackheart’ Miscavige while being force fed megadoses of niacin doesn’t prepare these cocksuckers for a good old fashioned custom Joburg on steroids, I don’t know what will. When they finally break, they can then be given a nice ice cold and refreshing tall glass of Cal-Gag to calm themselves down before they get a Bridge interview with their local Reg. At that point they can start real Scientology services and progress up the Bridge to Total Freedom. If they thought that the Sec Checks and forced COB video watching was tough, they have a lot to look forward to as they move steadily to OT and IAS Patron Bendoverious. Only the tigers survive, and even they have a rough time. The Founder was so right.

    Of course, those who want to bypass all of this can just join the Sea Organization, the most ethical group on the Planet. Since most Republicans don’t do the fun drugs like LSD, they are perfect candidates. I’m thinking Mr. Cohen could easily fit right in with the fellas at OSA and would be a real asset to the cause.


  2. Miss B. Haven, once we in Scientology rehab the degraded being Michael Cohen we have big plans for him. First, we will get his law license reinstated with the New York bar. That just takes a generous donation to the NY Bar Hookers Fund as we have been advised by Mr. Eliot Spitzer.

    Once Michael Cohen is reinstated as a lawyer we will have him crush all of these goddamned apostates and SP’s by using his proven methods of treachery.

    BTW, asking for a friend who is a movie star: Can you get Stormy Daniels’ phone number?


    • Can I get Stormy Daniels’ phone number? I’m not falling for that one again. There was some yahoo posting here a short time ago, going by the dubious handle of Uncle Rico, and he had me doing all sorts of kinda out-2D stuff so I could up my Status with the IAS. I am hoping you in RTC can convene a chaplains court so I can recover some scratch to cover that IAS postulate check, get my integrity back and hopefully get my knees healed up. Besides, I have it on good authority that Stormy will have nothing to do with Republicans or Scientology celebs anymore. From now on she is sticking with a good old fashioned fucking instead of the GOP/Scientology celeb version which is not only no fun, it comes up short of ALL expectations in her experience. Very short.


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