“The Scientology Rehab Center for convicted Republicans is overflowing these days,” declared Executive Director Ken Delusion.
“We in Scientology are the only group that can rehabilitate these criminals. We are the experts on the mind. We are the experts at brainwashing, at forced confessions, and at making the real problem cases disappear to the same place where… certain other people who also know too much are housed and kept… comfortably sedated.
“Life for convicted Republicans at the Scientology Rehab Center begins with 250 intensive nonstop hours — and we mean consecutive hours with no sleep — spent listening to the speeches of COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige while being force fed megadoses of niacin.
“Even the most hardened criminals usually crack by the 90th hour of this singularly horrific method. This is when they become sobbing, broken, and utterly compliant husks. Reduced to this catatonic state, we can begin working our special Scientology voodoo on them.
“These bastards will reform or else!” Delusion screamed at the top of his lungs.