“Donations for protection are at an all time high!” enthused Scientology Protection Chief Mr. Dag Diego.

“Scientologists need protection and they’re willing to pay for it. After all, it would be very unfortunate if a Scientologist, say, were home alone and some goombah Psych broke into their home and put the hurt on them big time.”

“It makes sense to pay us to protect you,” said Mr. Diego.