By Debbie Duncan-Donitz, OTVIII

I was recently shopping at my neighborhood department store when I saw piles of a certain celebrity magazine at each checkout stand that featured a former Scientology actress who is now a hater and a bigot.

I knew something had to be done.

I hid in the store until after it closed. Then I ran into the patio section and gathered up cases of barbecue lighter fluid in a shopping cart. I doused the front of the store with the lighter fluid and set it aflame.

The flames quickly spread at an astonishing rate! All of the propane bottles in the front of store exploded. The clothing departments caught fire as did sporting goods, fabrics, and every other department.

By the time the Fire Department arrived on scene the store was a giant conflagration of flames that leaped hundreds of feet into the night sky. I cackled from my hiding spot in a tree in the parking lot.

The Fire Department had no chance. The store burned to the ground. All that remained was a gutted shell. This wog retail store will not be selling any more hateful entheta magazines that attack my religion! I am so keyed out on this huge win!