Church of Scientology to Offer “Black Friday” Specials

Wal.Mart.Crowds

Wogmania in Wal-Mart: The Reactive Mind on Black Friday

“The deep retail discounting during traditional American religious holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas has cheapened and devalued religious faith,” lamented Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Frankly,” Delusion confided, “past Black Friday sales have kicked the bejesus out of Scientology’s annual holiday sales. It seems Scientologists and wogs alike would rather purchase worthless MEST flibberish instead of Scientology goods and services.”

Apple.watches“Honest to God,” Delusion roared, “an Apple watch, a set of Michelin all weather radial tires at 33% off list, or even one of those phone holders that allow people to take selfies are absolute junk — especially when compared to five intensives of Scientology auditing.”

“And here I’m talking real case-cracking expanded Dianetics FPRD that finds your evil purposes and blows you fifty feet out of your skull. This is the what makes a person cause over the MEST universe,” Delusion declared. “An Apple watch can never do that. Neither can  a new set of Ping golf clubs or a Rolex. And a new $275,000 Bentley Continental GT definitely isn’t going to handle your reactive mind.”

“And that’s why National Sales Manager COB RTC David Miscavige has authorized the lowest-ever Scientology prices this year on Black Friday. Why just take a look at these bargains:

Grade O to Clear package: $110,975

Clear to OTIII: $310,961,000

OTV-OTVII: $420,115,034

OTVIII – OTX: $154,454,228

“You read these prices right: The entire Scientology Bridge for under one million dollars! This is unprecedented in the history of this entire agonized universe!”

“Act now because this offer won’t last!”

14 responses to “Church of Scientology to Offer “Black Friday” Specials

  1. not only that! ALL Staff at the orgs will be there all day on Thanksgiving to take your orders…and every other day after that, for every holiday, & weekends, and blizzards, & tsunamis, and floods, and plagues and pestilence. The Orgs are ALWAYS OPEN !!!! Keep those Credit cards ready!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Put me down for one. A gift for Captain David ” let him die” Miscavige to shove it up his a$$ while he SCOHB.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Does that include sec checks?

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m loaded with overts, withholds, false purposes, evil intentions, L1-rockslams and wholetrack implants, so I would like to handle those before doing the student-hat. How many expensives can I get for 1 million $ ?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lars, you need 120 Flag-only intensives as follows:
      12 intensives to handle O/W’s
      12 intensives to handle false purposes
      36 intensives to handle evil intentions,
      12 intensives to handle L1- rockslams
      48 intensives to handle wholetrack implants
      With IAS discount of 20% the donation is only $1,200,000. These 120 intensives will get you onto the Student Hat.

      Flag is ready. All you need to do is arrive.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I won’t be fooled again. Last year I bought a set of leather bound Basics and when I got home, it look like someone blew charge on them. Ick.

    Liked by 1 person

    • ivan, we can assure you that the staff member who “blew charge” on your Basics has been expelled from the Church. He confessed to having “blown charge” on meters, books, and even congresses. He was beaten, expelled, fair gamed, and ultimately OSA framed him for running an illegal chicken farm. The miscreant is now doing time in county.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Thanksgiving!!!!! Oh, the memories and anticipation!!!!! With Thanksgiving always being on a Thursday, I have always been so proud to be a Scientologist. My family and friends make Thanksgiving an all-day affair. I take the day off from my usual course work and auditing to join them. Being Thursday, this always seems to put the staff in panic mode, but I always make the best of it. Fielding those constant phone calls from the course sup, D of P, ethics officer and reg always seems to raise some eyebrows and questioning looks from others present at our Thanksgiving festivities, and I turn that to my advantage by doing a group dissemination drill on them. I love caving them in and finding their ruin and then telling them that Scientology has the answers and works 100% of the time. I know that I am being effective because they always want to discuss their ruins amongst themselves while I am assigned to sit in the ‘special chair’ at the card table set up on the back porch that even the kids aren’t allowed to sit at. Me being afforded this special status always seems to bring them up-tone even though they haven’t even signed up for services at their local Ideal Org yet. Indeed, I am keeping Scientology working by being such a good example. I think next year I will pass out The Way to Happiness booklets and have everyone recite the precepts before slicing into that turkey. That should put a smile on everyones face!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ms. B. Haven, how nice that your family gives you special seating. This means they think of you as a Big Being who needs her own chair out there on the wash porch by the dogs.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for the validation of being a Big Being sir!!! And I have some extra special news to share this year!!! All my dissemination efforts are paying off. I just found out someone in my family picked ‘Going Clear’ as the after-meal-movie we are all going to watch this year!!! I guess I have been so focused on my course work, reading the Basics, listening to the Congresses, handing out Way To Happiness booklets and flying to disaster zones to be a Volunteer Minister that I didn’t even know the Church had made such a wonderful movie to attract even more hordes of public demanding the Tech. You clever devils!!! With the FSM commissions that I am sure to rake in from my family alone I will be taking advantage of the Scientology Black Friday sale as well as upping my Status with the IAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Ms. . B Haven: I hope you dash out the door, after the beginning of the meal to get those stats up!

    Like

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