Scientology Finance Dictator Dr. Werner Von Strudeldorf today announced that the Group Bank of the Church of Scientology would engage in quantitative easing to prevent the utter financial collapse of the Church.
“With the exceptions of a few whales,” said “99.9% of Church parishioners and Sea Org members are broke. Therefore, the Group Bank is pumping in $1,000,000,000 to finance auditing at 0% interest.”
“We have to get butts in seats, err, preclears in session,” emphasized Dr. Von Strudeldorf. “Therefore, the Group Bank is loaning preclears money at 0% interest with 10,000 year repayment terms to continue up their Bridges. ”
“We are basically doing this so that COB RTC David Miscavige’s Ideal Orgs are not 100% empty on a 100% basis, this as they are at the present time.
“More than 5 Scientologists have taken loans since the program began last week,” noted Dr. Von Strudeldorf.