“We in Scientology deny that our OSA operatives targeted a Big Pharma exec during his high profile appearance at the White House,” said OSA spokesperson Ken Delusion.

“While it was admittedly delightful to see the Psych Drug Peddler of Death Gordon Findlay of Novo Nordisk collapse,” Delusion stated, “we in OSA had nothing to do with it. We did not slip anything in his morning coffee or granola when he was staying at the Hyatt DC which is near Scientology’s Governmental Affairs Office on DuPont Circle.”

“In any case, Findlay’s fellow Psych Dr. Mehmet Oz rushed to assist the stricken Psych Drug exec.”

“Our hope remains that RFK Jr. will get President Trump to publicly endorse Narconon and have Medicare pay for treatment using Scientology’s safe and effective solutions to drug addiction which is caused by the wholetrack drug use of a person’s body thetans.”

“The press conference was intended to announce that the Trump Administration had gotten Big Pharma to lower its prices on the weight loss drug Ozempic,” Delusion observed.

“However, if the world’s wogs would just get off their fat asses and do Scientology’s Purification Rundown, we would put them in a sauna and on the treadmill for 10 hours a day. They would drop weight in no time without using the Psych drug Ozempic!”