The Holy See today announced that Starbucks will become the official coffee kiosk of Vatican City. The earnings generated will help offset the horrible financial condition of the HRCC created by a bloated Vatican bureaucracy. Cardinal M. Plant of Milan is in charge of increasing Vatican revenues and will be managed by a weekly Scientology statistics management system.

David Miscavige, who expects to shortly become the Pope, has said he will make other vitally needed changes in Vatican City. This will include implementing a mandatory global Scientology word clearing course so that lay Catholics can finally understand the Latin Mass they seem to so fervently want; this although none of them understand any of the words uttered by priests endlessly droning on and on in Latin.

“This can hardly be called the ‘Extraordinary Form’ sniffed Scientology Inquisitor Ken Delusion who serves as the Chief of Inhumane Ecclesiastical Tortures at Flag Land Base.