Scientology global ecclesiastical leader Mr. David Miscavige was born a Catholic in Philadelphia in 1960. The 65-year-old Miscavige said today he wishes to return to his roots.

Accordingly, he telexed a message to the College of Cardinals who are shortly scheduled to assemble in Vatican City for a conclave to elect the new Pope.

Mr. Miscavige noted that the word “conclave” comes from a Latin word for a “room that can be locked up.”

“I am a world expert at soundproof ecclesiastical terror rooms that can be locked up,” Miscavige declared. “And the Cardinals will never leave the conclave until I am elected Pope Miscavige!

“My plans are to purge all of the old Catholic crims from Holy See. I will then create a new Org Board for the Vatican which is as rational and coherent as the one we use in Scientology.

“I will prove to the world that one can be both a Catholic and a Scientologist.

“I will found a new religious order devoted to my divine personage. This new group will be called the Order of ScienoCathologists.”

“And yes, as I said many years ago, once I am Pope, I will remodel the Sistine Chapel and bring it up to Ideal Org standards. Those horrible frescoes on the ceiling and awful marble statues need to be replaced by Scientology Modernity.”