Having departed Earth in a rather overly-dramatic unaliving ceremony in 1997, Marshall Herff Applewhite and his followers immediately ascended to the Mothership which was following the comet Hale-Bopp.

Nevertheless, the Level Above Human was not all that it was promised to be according to Applewhite.

“While the Mothership was exciting at first, we soon discovered we had unalived ourselves to join a fake Outer Space Navy,” Applewhite stated.

“We were reduced to working long slave hours. We were cogs in a horrible pseudo-religious corporation which promised enlightenment but was only concerned with mining gold on Mars.”

“Fortunately, the Scientology Org on Mars reached out to us and convinced us to return here to Earth and become Scientologists!”

The Heavens Gate crew is now at Flag doing a group Purif. This is necessary for them to run out the vodka-phenobarbital cocktails they drank in 1997. The Purif will also cleanse their bodies of accumulated toxins from substances such as NyQuil, Mountain Dew, and rose-scented perfumes.

After completing the Purif, the Student Hat, and other courses the Heaven’s Gate Crew plans to join the Sea Org — which is a genuine Space Navy — and open the new Heaven’s Gate Org in Rancho Santa Fe, California.

“This time we’ll make it go right with Scientology,” Applewhite promised. “We won’t let Ron down!”