Scientology is bringing hope to an illiterate couple in rural Appalachia who suffer from extreme illiteracy.

Ashton — a chronically unemployed laborer — and his wife Mila do not know how to read or write and this has caused them a world of problems.

“Well,” says Ashton, “a lawyer from over there in the big city of Mount Pilot, well she done come up here to Bog Hollow where we live and asked us to sign our names to some pieces of paper for our friend Danny Masterson.” Then this lawyer she gave us $50 and left.

“We scrawled our marks on the two papers which, I guess, says we support Danny Masterson and he should get less time in prison. We know Danny cuz he come up here many times to buy guns and meth — and we didn’t sell him the guns so those Commie BATF agents got nothing us!”

“Our letters got out to the media — and y’all know how those coke-snortin’ freaks in the media twist everything around to sell papers! It was horrible! The newspapers, the TV, and the innernet threw us to the wolves!”

“We feel real bad but we never learnt how to read and write up here in Appalachia which is part of Murika.”

“So’s this feller from Scientology come up here and gave us some Scientology lit-er-a-cee picture books and some CD’s to listen to. We’re startin’ with this alphabet thing and how to sound out letters. The ‘s’ sound is like ‘sssss.'”

“The Scientology feller told us this was the exak same course what Tom Cruise did when he was a snaggle-toothed young acter. We have new hope thanks to that feller L. Ron Hubbard and the Space Alien Cult what the Masterson clan belongs to.”