David Miscavige in his natural state

Scientology leader David Miscavige today declared today that he was done living a lie. “I’m getting rid of everything that’s not real: My toupee, corset, cosmetics, and everything else. What you see is what you get! I’m 59 years old and it’s not going to get any better than it is now. I’ve finally accepted myself after decades of pretending to be something I’m not and could never be.”

“I’ll never be beautiful like Tom Cruise,” Miscavige lamented. “Sans artifice, I’m just another bald, fatty, talentless, wealthy, aging schlub like John Travolta.”

“My hemorrhoids are killing me and I gotta pee all the time,” Miscavige added.

Uninformed of the sudden change, many Scientologists mistook David Miscavige for Sidney “Sid” Mermelstein, a CPA and OT III from Tampa. “The resemblance is purely coincidental,” said Church PR Karin Pouw. “David Miscavige is actually the more handsome of the two,” she insisted.